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Before the Train cleared the Yards played the Mandolin.

That was as he would have the Porter bringing a Far Along as he had ever got. Foot-Stool for the Lady.

Gus told them not to Worry about At Hastings he would be asking her him. All he asked was a Start. He if she wanted Something to Read. said he was a Willing Performer, but

At Red Wing he would be telling as yet he never had been Disqualified her that she resembled Maxine Elliott, for Crowding. Fred and Eustace took and showing her his Watch, left to him this to mean that he would not Overby his Grandfather, a Prominent Vir- play his Attentions, so they escorted ginian.

him to the House. At La Crosse he would be reading As soon as he had been Presented, the Menu Card to her, and telling her Gus showed her where to sit on the how different it is when you have Sofa, then he placed himself about Some One to join you in a Bite. Six Inches away and began to Buzz,

At Milwaukee he would go out and looking her straight in the Eye. He buy a Bouquet for her, and when said that when he first saw her he they rode into Chicago they would be Mistook her for Miss Prentice, who looking out of the same Window, and was said to be the Most Beautiful Girl he would be arranging for her Bag- in St. Paul, only, when he came closer, gage with the Transfer Man. After he saw that it couldn't be Miss Prenthat they would be Old Friends. tice, because Miss Prentice didn't have

Now, Fred and Eustace had been at such Lovely Hair. Then he asked her School with Gus, and they had seen the Month of her Birth and told her his Work, and they were not disposed Fortune, thereby coming nearer to to Introduce him into One of the most Holding her Hand within Eight MinExclusive Homes in the City.

utes than Eustace had come in a They had known Myrtle for many

Lifetime. Years; but they did not dare to Ad- “Play something, Boys,” he Ordered, dress her by her First Name, and they just as if he had paid them Money to were Positive that if Gus attempted come along and make Music for him. any of his usual Tactics with her she They unlimbered their Mandolins would be Offended; and, naturally and began to play a Sousa March. He enough, they would be Blamed for asked Myrtle if she had seen the New bringing him to the House.

Moon. She replied that she had not, But Gus insisted. He said he had so they went Outside. seen Myrtle, and she Suited him from When Fred and Eustace finished the Ground up, and he proposed to the first Piece, Gus appeared at the have Friendly Doings with her. At open Window, and asked them to play last they told him they would take “The Georgia Camp-Meeting," which him if he promised to Behave. Fred had always been one of his Favourites. warned him that Myrtle would frown So they played that, and when they down any Attempt to be Familiar on had Concluded there came a Voice from Short Acquaintance, and Eustace said the Outer Darkness, and it was the that as long as he had known Myrtle Voice of Myrtle. She said: "I'll tell he had never Presumed to be Free and you what to Play; play the InterForward with her. He had simply mezzo.

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Fred and Eustace exchanged saw that the only Way to Get Even Glances. They began to Perceive that with her was to go Home without saythey had been backed into a Siding. ing “Good Night.” So they slipped With a few Potted Palms in front of out the Side Door, shivering with Inthem, and two Cards from the Union, dignation. they would have been just the same as After that, for several Weeks, Gus a Hired Orchestra.

kept Myrtle so Busy that she had no But they played the Intermezzo and Time to think of considering other felt Peevish. Then they went to the Candidates. He sent Books to her Window and looked out. Gus and Mother, and allowed the Old GentleMyrtle were sitting in the Hammock, man to take Chips away from him at which had quite a Pitch toward the Poker. Centre. Gus had braced himself by They were Married in the Autumn, Holding to the back of the Hammock. and Father-in-Law took Gus into the He did not have his Arm around Firm, saying that he had needed a good Myrtle, but he had it Extended in a Pusher for a Long Time. Line parallel with her Back. What At the Wedding the two Mandolin he had done wouldn't Justify a Girl in Players were permitted to act saying, “Sir!" but it started a Real Ushers. Scandal with Fred and Eustace. They MORAL: To get a fair Trial of Speed,

use a Pace-Maker.




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Oh, once there was a gentleman resid

ing in a tropic Who had delightful impulses, humane

and philanthropic.

One day, when he went out to walk, he

said, conventions flouting, "I'll take this chance to give my pet

orang-outang an outing!"

And now, although I hate to drop this

interesting topic, That's all I know of this old man,

humane and philanthropic.


An Arabian Apologue

Across the sands of Syria,

Or, possibly, Algeria,
Or some benighted neighbourhood of barrenness and drouth,

There came the Prophet Sam-u-el

Upon the Only Cam-u-el-
A bumpy, grumpy Quadruped of discontented mouth.

The atmosphere was glutinous;

The Cam-u-el was mutinous; He dumped the pack from off his back; with horrid grunts and squeals

He made the desert hideous;

With strategy perfidious
He tied his neck in curlicues, he kicked his paddy heels.

Then quoth the gentle Sam-u-el,

“You rogue, I ought to lam you well! Though zealously I've shielded you from every grief and woe,

It seems, to voice a platitude,

You haven't any gratitude.
I'd like to hear what cause you have for doing thus and so !”

To him replied the Cam-u-el,

"I beg your pardon, Sam-u-el. I know that I'm a Reprobate, I know that I'm a Freak;

But, oh! this utter loneliness!

My too-distinguished Onliness!
Were there but other Cam-u-els I wouldn't be Unique."

The Prophet beamed beguilingly.

"Aha,” he answered, smilingly, "You feel the need of company? I clearly understand.

We'll speedily create for you

The corresponding mate for you
Hol presto, change-o, dinglebat!”-he waved a potent hand,

And, lo! from out Vacuity

A second Incongruity,
To wit, a Lady Cam-u-el was born through magic art,

Her structure anatomical,

Her form and face were comical;
She was, in short, a Cam-u-el, the other's counterpart.

As Spaniards gaze on Aragon,

Upon that Female Paragon
So gazed the Prophet's Cam-u-el, that primal Desert Ship.

A connoisseur meticulous,

He found her that ridiculous
He grinned from ear to auricle until he split his lip!

Because of his temerity

That Cam-u-el's posterity
Must wear divided upper lips through all their solemn lives!

A prodigy astonishing

Reproachfully admonishing
Those wicked, heartless married men who ridicule their wives.


It's fortunate that Adam had more self-control.


Ye may tramp the world over

From Delhi to Dover,
And sail the salt say from Archangel to Arragon,

Circumvint back

Through the whole Zodiack,
But to ould Docther Mack ye can't furnish a paragon.

Have ye the dropsy,

The gout, the autopsy?
Fresh livers and limbs instantaneous he'll shape yez,

No ways infarior

In skill, but suparior,
And lineal postarior to Ould Aysculapius.


He and his wig wid the curls so carroty,
Aigle eye, and complexion clarety:

Here's to his health,

Honour and wealth,
The king of his kind and the crame of all charity!

How the rich and the poor,

To consult for a cure,
Crowd on to his doore in their carts and their carriages,

Showin' their tongues

Or unlacin' their lungs,
For divle one symptom the docther disparages.

Troth, an' he'll tumble,

For high or for humble,
From his warm feather-bed wid no cross contrariety;

Makin' as light

Of nursin' all night
The beggar in rags as the belle of society.

Chorus-He and his wig, etc.

And as if by a meracle,

Ailments hysterical,
Dad, wid one dose of bread-pills he can smother,

And quench the love-sickness

Wid wonderful quickness,
By prescribin' the right boys and girls to aich other.

And the sufferin' childer

Your eyes 'twould bewilder
To see the wee craythurs his coat-tails unravellin',

And aich of them fast

On some treasure at last,
Well knowin' ould Mack's just a toy-shop out travellin'.

Chorus-He and his wig, etc.

Thin, his doctherin' done,

In a rollickin' run
Wid the rod or the gun, he's the foremost to figure.

By Jupiter Ammon,

What jack-snipe or salmon
E’er rose to backgammon his tail-fly or trigger!

And hark! the view-hollo!

'Tis Mack in full follow On black "Faugh-a-ballagh" the country-side sailin'.

Och, but you'd think

'Twas old Nimrod in pink, Wid his spurs cryin' chink over park-wall and palin'.

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He and his wig wid the curls so carroty,
Aigle eye, and complexion clarety:

Here's to his health,
Honour and wealth!

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