riors-loan negotiated-mistress removed-recommended to commissioner-official knowledge remarkably displayed in management of contested election-rapid rise-display of eloquence-M. P. for the borough of Knavesmere-invariable-enlightened, and disinterested support of Government-never absent on a division-Privy Council— one of the Commissioners for preventing the dry rot in the wet docksComptroller of Accounts for Ayrshire and the Isle of Sky-Registrar of the missing documents-Auditor of the Deaf and Dumb-member of the Court of Requests and of the Society for Feathering Nests, &c. &c. &c.—pleasing duty of Editor--stupendous talents-unparalleled virtue-exquisite disinterestedness-heaven-born patriotism-Majesty's Government-Finis.

Here are at least two goodly post octavo volumes condensed into a single half sheet; and I appeal to the readers of such publications whether they cannot, from the above summary, fill up all the omissions. and pursue the whole laudatory narrative of the life, quite as well as if they had toiled through the six or eight hundred pages into which, according to the present method of writing biography, the work would be infallibly expanded. Leaving this as a general specimen of improvement in this department, we will next extend our inquiries to History, beginning with that of a single war, avoiding all allusion to recent occurrences, and framing our example in such a way as that in nine cases out of ten it will be found applicable to such records of hostility.

A Full and Complete History of the Late War. Cartridge and Ravelin-Horse Guards, Whitehall. Perfidious conduct-unwarrantable aggression-implacable and eternal enemy-honour and glory of England-never can be satisfied until -complete humiliation-insulting foe-Declaration of war-universally popular-numerous addresses-lives and properties--loyal' subjects-Hurra!-Ten years hostilities-H. M. government ever anxious to put an end-calamities of war-same humane and pacific sentiments -part of the enemy-Preliminaries of Peace upon the basis of the status quo ante bellum-Proclamation of peace-universally populargeneral illumination-bonfire-feu de joie-innumerable addressesloyal congratulations-Hurra!

Table of the ships, towns, and men, taken, burnt, and destroyed in the late most glorious struggle-Statement of the additions made to the national debt, in the same period of unexampled wealth, prosperity, and success-Finis.

From the narrative of a single war, we might ascend to general history, which is little better than a succession of wars, though it has been jacobinically defined as the Newgate calendar of Kings. That of England has been already turned into verse by Mr. Dibdin, which is too long; and printed on a single card under the title of Royal Genealogy, which is as much too short, besides being exclusively confined to regal dates; but we do not see a single desideratum that would be left unsupplied, if it were to assume the following form.

A compendious History of England from the earliest dawn of time to the Accession of his present Majesty, whom God preserve.

Nolumus leges Angliæ mutari.

Printed for Canter and Claptrap, Crown Office Row. Tower of Babel-dispersion of mankind-Shem, Ham and Japhet

Celtic tribes-North of Europe-Roman Empire-Invasion under Julius Cæsar-Cassibelanus-Boadicea-Picts and Scots-Heptarchy -Alfred, chid for suffering the cakes to burn-Canute commands the waves not to touch his feet-Norman Conquest-Rufus, Tyrrel, and Westminster Abbey-King John-glorious æra Magna ChartaTudors-Plantagenets-white and red roses-Henry the 8th, Defender of the Faith and seceder from ditto-Reformation-Queen Maryfires in Smithfield-glorious Queen Elizabeth—defeat of the Spanish Armada Goose on Michaelmas day-Charles the Martyr-Eikon Basilike-Commonwealth-detestable beast and fool Cromwell-Restoration-Abdication-glorious Revolution of 1688-glorious Queen Anne-glorious Hanover succession-particularly glorious George the Third. Wars, treasons, stratagems, plots, insurrections, executions, usurpations, tyrannies, murders, crimes and sufferings of all sorts, in the usual proportion.

When once this is committed to the memory and the imagination, which may easily be effected in half an hour, we really do not see why all our voluminous historians might not be sold by the hundred weight as waste paper. By thus far abbreviating life and literature, we shall have conferred a most important benefit on mankind, but the grand desideratum will still remain to be accomplished. There is no doubt that the world itself requires condensing and abridging; it is infinitely too populous, the danger is daily increasing, we approach the Malthusian dilemma with a frightful rapidity. If we could but weed out and extirpate a few nations, leaving just enough to make war upon one another, which seems to be the great object of their existence; if we could but reduce and thin the respective communities, so as just to leave the privileged classes to enjoy the good things of the world, and sufficient of the labouring class to work in procuring them, it would effect an incredible improvement in human destiny. Old mother Earth bas been too prolific; she has more pigs than teats, (we may quote from the House of Commons,) and we must imitate the gardeners who cut off part of their fruit to improve what is left. Painful necessity! we must-but it is too important a measure to be discussed at the tail of an article. We reserve its consideration for a future number.

AUTHORS AND EDITORS.

I DARE say that there are few amateurs or incipient professors of literature, who do not think that the Editor of a Magazine is the most comfortable workman in the craft.-He is not subject to the rejections and mortifications which sometimes fall to the lot of less potential persons, and has the power of patronising his friends and annoying his enemies just as much as he pleases. All this is very true, but, to my sorrow, I must dispute the inference. I was once, in a dark hour of my fate, induced to become the Lord of one of these great creations myself, and, though I was deposed immediately after the publication of my first number, I obtained quite enough experience to turn pale at the sight of a proof-sheet ever after. I set to work with the determination of being popular, and encountered the cares and fatigues of unriddling hieroglyphic manuscripts, and patching up broken sentences, with the constancy of a literary martyr. I hunted in holes and corners for genius in obscurity, that I might display it to the noon

day, and I felt my heart warm at the gratitude with which I was about to be rewarded. I reviewed new publications, paintings, and performances of all descriptions with the tenderness of a parent to the first pledges of his fondness; I was on both sides in politics; and I never received a communication from the veriest ass which was not attended to as punctually as a love-letter. One would have thought that with so many claims to universal good-will I could not fail of obtaining it. Alas! after fidgetting and fevering myself to a skeleton, I discovered that folks of my calling are something in the predicament of house dogs, which are not only cursed for every honest bark they make, but mistrusted and vilified even when they fawn for favour. Before I was in power, I was considered a good sort of a person enough, and had as many friends as most people. I could walk the streets without thought of danger, and go about my business without fear of criticism. In one brief quarter of a year I have outfallen the fall of Phaeton. I have not only made no new friends, but have lost all my old ones. I cannot show my face without being hooted like an owl by daylight, and shall never again put pen to paper without seeing each miserable sentence drawn and quartered and hung up to public view as the remnants of the malefactor, who presumed to lord it over his betters. Expostulation is out of the question. A blockhead who has undergone the scratching out of a sentence is as impatient as though it had been his eye; a manuscript which has been returned is morally certain of becoming wadding for a pistol; and I look upon all the obligations which I have conferred as so many thunderbolts which are destined to crack my ex-editorial crown. In addition to all these grievous circumstances, the numerous assurances which I have received of the fallibility of my judgment, have altogether destroyed the confidence which I used formerly to repose in it. I feel shy of hazarding an opinion upon the merest trifle, for fear it should be disputed. My taste, vision, and hearing, seem totally different from those of other people; and had I not materials to prove what I have here advanced, I doubt very much whether I should have ventured to say a word upon the subject. Fortunately, when I commenced my editorial functions, I bought a huge band-box to hold contributions. The favours of my friends soon crammed it to splitting, but when store-houses of this kind come to be threshed out and winnowed, it is astonishing what a cloud of chaff is produced for every particle of solid grain. My whole treasury was expended in my one campaign, and I set about filling my box (which has been the very box of Pandora in every thing save the article of Hope) with the first fruits of it. It is now, if possible, fuller than it was before, and if the reader likes the samples I am about to give him, I will feast him as long as he has an appetite. The first morceau I have laid my hand upon is from a gentleman to whom I wrote "The Editor of the Magazine presents his compliments to Mr. and begs to offer his best thanks for the perusal of his Essay on Pathos, which he regrets exceedingly his great supply of that article obliges him to return."

The reply to this polite billet is as follows:

"Sir, I am extremely glad to have my Pathos again, as it was only sent for the support of a Magazine which has no chance of succeed

ing by its wit. At the same time, I must inform you that it was a matter of some condescension for a person so well know as myself (in private circles) to submit my works to the judgment of one who is only likely to be conspicuous from his incapacity to appreciate them. My friends, upon whose taste I can fully rely, are of opinion that my Essay on Pathos has great power, for it was read before them a month ago, and they have been dull ever since. This, however, is not said that you may send for it back, and I think it right to inform you that I shall listen to no future solicitations to write for the Magazine;

and remain, Sir,

Yours, &c. &c."

One would have thought that the indignation of this lover of dulness, with whom I had the misfortune to feel so little sympathy, would at any rate have been counterbalanced by the kind words of those whose effusions I had printed in preference. But no such thing. The same post brought the following from a young beginner, who had intreated that I would do him the favour of cutting down and altering his papers as I thought best; and I vow that, in my fatherly anxiety for his reputation, I spent more time upon them than I did upon my own.

"Dear Sir,-Pray be kind enough to inform me which are my articles in your last number, for they are so altered that I do not recognise them. I have no doubt that they are a great deal the better for it, and am excessively obliged to you, and extremely sorry that it will not be in my power to forward any more contributions. Please to beg your publisher to send me his account, as I am going to take in another Magazine and believe me, dear sir, truly yours.

The next little note was left at my publisher's with an article "to be continued," which would have filled a decent-sized folio volume.

"Sir, I have left the accompanying paper for your perusal, and shall be obliged by an answer respecting its admissibility into your magazine by to-morrow morning. Yours, &c."

The next day I received another billet to inform me that my reply was of extreme consequence, and that, in fact, the author did not understand such unwarrantable delays. On the third day I returned the MS. with a polite note expressive of my sorrow at my total inability to get through it in less than a month-which drew forth the subjoined.

"Sir,-You have done me a most serious injury. Had you returned my MS. in due time, I could have disposed of it to a publisher who has now had leisure to change his mind. I am determined upon having ample reparation, and, if I do not hear from you by return of post, shall most undoubtedly place the affair in the hands of my lawyer. I remain, &c."

This, I believe, cannot fail of being thought a little unreasonable, but, if so, what will be said of the next, which was written by a son of Apollo whom I had lauded out of pure friendship to his calling.

Sir, I have just seen in your Magazine a review of my poem, which you clearly do not understand, and of which you have materially injured the sale by misleading the public opinion. You call it sub

lime, when, in fact, it is pathetic. People are tired of the sublime, and the comparison with Milton is ruination to me. I will defy you or any one else to find a single passage which might be mistaken for Milton's. You call it harmonious, when it is meant to be abrupt and impassioned throughout. You call the conclusions to the story moral and edifying, when nothing can be more the reverse. In short, you have played the deuce with all its greatest beauties, and the consequence is that nobody will read it.

My friend Mr. — the artist, is with me, and begs that you will not mention his picture again, having put him to great inconvenience in contradicting all that you have said. It is not like Claude, or Nature, or any thing else, but is entirely original. The colouring is upon a new principle, and is not transparent, but opake throughout. The figures are not well drawn, but are touched off with a graceful negligence, and, instead of an evening scene, it is intended to be sun-rise.

My next epistle is from a young spark who was one of five hundred recommendations which came pouring in from my friends in all parts of the globe. The youth was described as the younger son of a country squire, a fine young man who was thought by his mother to possess great talents, which, of course, I should have abundant pleasure and advantage in bringing forward. He had never, it appeared, scribbled a line in his life, and was sent to me like a block, fresh from the timberyard, to be hewn which way I pleased. What could I say in such a case? I asked him to dinner, and told him that I would apply to him when I had occasion. In a fortnight after, came the cursed twopenny postman with

"Dear Sir, I have been waiting impatiently to hear from you, according to promise, being anxious to set to work. I have been staying all this time at a hotel, doing nothing, and at a great expense upon the score of the Magazine, and my friends in the country are anxious to see some of my works. Pray let me know what I am to write, for it is all one to me, by return of past, and believe me, &c."

I wrote immediately, and regretted exceedingly that I had been the means of detaining him in London, assuring him at the same time that the press of matter would not possibly permit me to avail myself of his talents for some months at least. In about ten minutes, came the following answer.

"Sir,―This is what I won't stand. I have been staying in London at your particular desire, and now I'm to be told you don't want me. I shall send you my bill at the hotel as soon as it is made out, and if you don't pay it I'll see the reason why. Yours, &c."

The foregoing are a mere taste of my treasures. I have complaints, and revilings, and expostulations, and challenges, and all sorts of entertaining things, on every subject and in every style imaginable; but what I have already given is quite enough to maintain my opinion of editorial comfort. I will only add one communication from my publisher, by way of a climax.

"My dear Sir,-Here is the devil to pay! It is absolutely necessary that you should give up the editorship of the Magazine. I am