To the green woods in the gay summer time:
And she fills all the way with dancing shapes
Which have made painters pale, and they go on
While stars look at them and winds call to them
As they leave life's path for the twilight world
Where the dead gather. This was not at first,
For I scarce knew what I would do. I had
No wish to paint, no yearning; but I sang.
And first I sang as I in dream have seen
Music wait on a lyrist for some thought,
Yet singing to herself until it came.
I turned to those old times and scenes where all
That's beautiful had birth for me, and made
Rude verses on them all; and then I paused
I had done nothing, so I sought to know
What mind had yet achieved. No fear was mine
As I gazed on the works of mighty bards,
In the first joy at finding my own thoughts
Recorded and my powers exemplified,
And feeling their aspirings were my own.
And then I first explored passion and mind;
And I began afresh; I rather sought
To rival what I wondered at, than form
Creations of my own; so, much was light
Lent back by others, yet much was my own.
I paused again, a change was coming on,
I was no more a boy, the past was breaking
Before the coming and like fever worked.
I first thought on myself, and here my powers
Burst out: I dreamed not of restraint but gazed
On all things schemes and systems went and came,
And I was proud (being vainest of the weak)
In wandering o'er them to seek out some one
To be my own, as one should wander o'er
The white way for a star.
Not so much on a system as a man
On one, whom praise of mine would not offend,
Who was as calm as beauty, being such
Unto mankind as thou to me, Pauline,
Believing in them and devoting all
His soul's strength to their winning back to peace; Who sent forth hopes and longings for their sake,
Clothed in all passion's melodies, which first
Caught me and set me, as to a sweet task,
To gather every breathing of his songs:
And woven with them there were words which seemed
A key to a new world, the muttering
Of angels of some thing unguessed by man.
How my
heart beat as I went on and found
Much there, I felt my own mind had conceived,
But there living and burning! Soon the whole
Of his conceptions dawned on me; their praise
Is in the tongues of men, men's brows are high
When his name means a triumph and a pride,
weak hands may well forbear to dim
What then seemed my bright fate: I threw myself
To meet it, I was vowed to liberty,
Men were to be as gods and earth as heaven,
And I ah, what a life was mine to be!
My whole soul rose to meet it. Now, Pauline,
I shall go mad, if I recall that time!
Oh let me look back ere I leave forever
The time which was an hour that one waits
For a fair girl that comes a withered hag!
And I was lonely, far from woods and fields,
And amid dullest sights, who should be loose
As a stag; yet I was full of joy, who lived
With Plato and who had the key to life;
And I had dimly shaped my first attempt,
And many a thought did I build up on thought,
As the wild bee hangs cell to cell; in vain,
For I must still go on, my mind rests not.
'T was in my plan to look on real life
Which was all new to me; my theories
Were firm, so I left them, to look upon
Men and their cares and hopes and fears and joys;
And as I pondered on them all I sought
How best life's end might be attained
Comprising every joy. I deeply mused.
And suddenly without heart-wreck I awoke
As from a dream: I said, "'T was beautiful
Yet but a dream, and so adieu to it!"
As some world-wanderer sees in a far meadow
Strange towers and walled gardens thick with trees,
Where singing goes on and delicious mirth,
And laughing fairy creatures peeping over,
And on the morrow when he comes to live
Forever by those springs and trees fruit-flushed
And fairy bowers, all his search is vain.
First went my hopes of perfecting mankind,
And faith in them, then freedom in itself
And virtue in itself, and then my motives, ends
And powers and loves, and human love went last.
I felt this no decay, because new powers
And happiness; for I had oft been sad,
Mistrusting my resolves, but now I cast
Hope joyously away: I laughed and said, "No more of this! I must not think: at length I looked again to see how all went on.
My powers were greater: as some temple seemed My soul, where nought is changed and incense rolls Around the altar, only God is gone
And some dark spirit sitteth in his seat.
So, I passed through the temple and to me
Knelt troops of shadows, and they cried, "Hail, king! We serve thee now and thou shalt serve no more!
Call on us, prove us, let us worship thee!"
And I said, "Are ye strong? Let fancy bear me
Far from the past!" And I was borne away,
As Arab birds float sleeping in the wind,
O'er deserts, towers and forests, I being calm ;
And I said, "I have nursed up energies,
They will prey on me."
And cried, "Lord, we are here and we will make
A way for thee in thine appointed life!
Oh look on us!" And I said, "Ye will worship
Me; but my heart must worship too." They shouted,
Thyself, thou art our king!" So, I stood there
Smiling
And buoyant and rejoicing was the spirit
With which I looked out how to end my days;
I felt once more myself, my powers were mine;
I found that youth or health so lifted me
That, spite of all life's vanity, no grief
Came nigh me, I must ever be light-hearted;
And that this feeling was the only veil
Betwixt me and despair: so, if age came,
I should be as a wreck linked to a soul
Yet fluttering, or mind-broken and aware
Of my decay. So a long summer morn
Found me; and ere noon came, I had resolved
No age should come on me ere youth's hope went,
For I would wear myself out, like that morn
Which wasted not a sunbeam; every joy
I would make mine, and die. And thus I sought
To chain my spirit down which I had fed
With thoughts of fame. I said, "The troubled life
Of genius, seen so bright when working forth
Some trusted end, seems sad when all in vain
Most sad when men have parted with all joy
For their wild fancy's sake, which waited first
As an obedient spirit when delight
Came not with her alone; but alters soon,
Comes darkened, seldom, hastening to depart,
Leaving a heavy darkness and warm tears.
But I shall never lose her; she will live
Brighter for such seclusion. I but catch
A hue, a glance of what I sing, so, pain
Is linked with pleasure, for I ne'er may tell
The radiant sights which dazzle me; but now
They shall be all my own; and let them fade
Untold others shall rise as fair, as fast!
And when all 's done, the few dim gleams transferred,"-
(For a new thought sprung up that it were well
To leave all shadowy hope, and weave such lays
As would encircle me with praise and love,
So, I should not die utterly, I should bring
One branch from the gold forest, like the knight
Of old tales, witnessing I had been there) -
"And when all 's done, how vain seems e'en success
And all the influence poets have o'er men!
'Tis a fine thing that one weak as myself
Should sit in his lone room, knowing the words
He utters in his solitude shall move
Men like a swift wind that though he be forgotten,
Fair eyes shall glisten when his beauteous dreams
Of love come true in happier frames than his.
Ay, the still night brought thoughts like these, but morn
Came and the mockery again laughed out
At hollow praises, and smiles almost sneers;
And my soul's idol seemed to whisper me
To dwell with him and his unhonored name :
And I well knew my spirit, that would be
First in the struggle, and again would make
All bow to it, and I should sink again.
"And then know that this curse will come on us,
To see our idols perish; we may wither,
Nor marvel, we are clay, but our low fate
Should not extend to them, whom trustingly
We sent before into time's yawning gulf
To face whate'er might lurk in darkness there.
To see the painter's glory pass, and feel
Sweet music move us not as once, or, worst,
To see decaying wits ere the frail body
Decays! Nought makes me trust in love so really
As the delight of the contented lowness
With which I gaze on souls I'd keep forever
In beauty; I'd be sad to equal them;
I'd feed their fame e'en from my heart's best blood,
Withering unseen that they might flourish still."
Pauline, my sweet friend, thou dost not forget
How this mood swayed me when thou first wast mine,
When I had set myself to live this life,
Defying all opinion. Ere thou camest
I was most happy, sweet, for old delights
Had come like birds again; music, my life,
I nourished more than ever, and old lore
Loved for itself and all it shows the king
Treading the purple calmly to his death,
While round him, like the clouds of eve, all dusk,
The giant shades of fate, silently flitting,
Pile the dim outline of the coming doom;
And him sitting alone in blood while friends
Are hunting far in the sunshine; and the boy
With his white breast and brow and clustering curls
Streaked with his mother's blood, and striving hard
To tell his story ere his reason goes.
And when I loved thee as I've loved so oft,
Thou lovedst me, and I wondered and looked in
My heart to find some feeling like such love,
Believing I was still what I had been;
And soon I found all faith had gone
And the late glow of life, changing like clouds,
'Twas not the morn-blush widening into day,
But evening colored by the dying sun
While darkness is quick hastening. I will tell
My state as though 'twere none of mine - despair
Cannot come near me thus it is with me.
Souls alter not, and mine must progress still
And this I knew not when I flung away
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