things to them that I have heard you lavish upon the barmaid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker

Mar. Why, George, I can't say fine things to them: they freeze, they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle: but to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation.

Hast. Ha, ha, ha! At this rate, man, how 140 can you ever expect to marry?

Mar. Never; unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be courted by proxy. ... To go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the episode of aunts, grandmothers, cousins, and at last to blurt out the broad staring question of 'Madam, will you marry me?' No, no, that's a strain much above me, I assure you.

Hast. I pity you; but how do you intend 150 behaving to the lady you are come down to visit at the request of your father?

Mar. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low; answer yes, or no, to all her demands: but for the rest, I don't think I shall venture to look in her face till I see my father's again.

Hast. I'm surprised, that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool a lover.

Enter HARDcastle.

Hard. Gentlemen, once more you are 160 heartily welcome. Which is Mr Marlow? Sir, you're heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like to give them a hearty reception, in the old style, at my gate; I like to see their horses and trunks taken care of.

Mar. (Aside.) He has got our names from the servants already. (To Hard.) We approve your caution and hospitality, sir.

Hard. I beg, Mr Marlow, you'll 170 ceremony in this house.

use no

Hast. (To Marlow.) Well, we must open the campaign.

Hard. Mr Marlow-Mr Hastings-gentlemen-pray be under no restraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen; you may do just as you please here.

Mar. (To Hast.) Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we may want ammunition before it is over. We must 180 show our generalship by securing, if necessary,

a retreat.

Hard. Your talking of a retreat, Mr Marlow, puts me in mind of the Duke of Marlborough, when he went to besiege Denain. He first summoned the garrison.. which might consist of about five thousand menHast. Marlow, what's o'clock?

Hard. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men

Mar. Five minutes to seven.

Hard. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to him-you must have heard of George Brooks-I'll pawn my dukedom, says he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So

190

Mar. What? My good friend, if you give 200 us a glass of punch in the meantime, it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour.

Hard. Punch, sir! -(Aside.) This is the most unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met with.

Mar. Yes, sir, punch! A glass of warm punch after our journey will be comfortable. Enter Servant, with a tankard.

This is Liberty-hall, you know.

Hard. Here's a cup. (Taking the cup.) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I have pre- 210 pared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me, sir? Here, Mr Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance.

(Drinks, and gives the cup to Marlow.) Mar. (Aside.) A very impudent fellow this; but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. (Drinks.).. And now, what have you got in the house for supper?

Hard. For supper, sir? (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a man in his own house?

Mar. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work tonight in the larder, I promise you.

Hara. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. (Aside.) Why, really, sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy, and the cookmaid, settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Mar. You do, do you?

Hard. Entirely. By-the-by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.

Mar. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy-council. It's a way I have got. When I travel I always choose to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence, I hope, sir.

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230

Hard. Oh no, sir, none in the least: yet, 240 I don't know how, our Bridget, the cookmaid, is not very communicative upon these occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house.

Hast. Let's see the list of the larder, then.
I always match my appetite to my bill of

fare.

Mar. (To Hardcastle, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he's very right, and it's 250 my way, too.

Hard. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill or fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it.

[Servant brings in the bill of fare, and exit. Hast. (Aside.) All upon the high ropes! His uncle a colonel! We shall soon hear of 260 his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's hear the bill of fare.

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Mar. (Perusing.) What's here? For the first course; for the second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir! Do you think we have brought down the whole Joiners' Company, or the Corporation of Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do.

Hast. But let's hear it.

Mar. (Reading.) For the first course: at the top, a pig and prune sauce.

Hast. Hang your pig, say I.

Mar. And hang your prune sauce, say I.

Hard. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with prune sauce is very good eating. (Aside.) Their impudence confounds me. (Aloud.) Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, 280 gentlemen?

Mar. Item: a pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff-taff-taffety cream.

Hast. Confound your made dishes! I shall be as much at a loss in this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for plain eating.

Hard. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like; but if there be anything you 290 have a particular fancy to

Mar. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite that any one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much for supper: and now to see that our beds are aired and properly taken care of.

Hard. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step.

Mar. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I always look to these things 300 myself.

Hard. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head.

Mar. You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome fellow this, as ever I met with.

Hard. Well, sir, I'm resolved, at least, to attend you. (Aside) This may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like old-fashioned impudence.

Hard. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son, sir. I hope you think so.

Mar. I do, from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty. I generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes.

Hard. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable; their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you.

Mar. protest, my very good sir, that's no fault of mine. If they don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not to spare the cellar-I did, I assure you. . . . My positive directions were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for my deficiencies below.

Hard. Then they had your orders for what they do? (Aside.). . . Zounds! he'll drive me distracted if I contain myself any longer. (Aloud.) Mr Marlow-Sir, I have submitted to your insolence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. now resolved to be master here, sir, and I desire that you and your drunken pack may leave my house directly.

I'm

Mar. Leave your house?-Sure you jest, my good friend. What, when I'm doing what I can to please you?

Hard. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'll leave my house.

Mar. Sure, you cannot be serious. At this time o' night, and such a night? You only mean to banter me.

Hard. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and, now that my passions are roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I command you to leave it directly.

Mar. Ha, ha, ha! A storm in a puddle. I shan't stir a step, I assure you. (In a serious tone.) This your house, fellow! it's my house; this is my house; mine, while I choose to stay! What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence, curse me! never in my whole life before.

Hard. Nor I, confound me if ever I did.

To come to my house, to call for what he Ekes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult to the family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me this house is mine, sir!' By all that's impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha, ha, ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think you of taking the rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silver candlesticks, and there's a fire-screen, and a pair of bellows-perhaps you may take a fancy to them?

Mar. Bring me your bill, sir, bring me your bill, and let's make no more words about it.

Hard. There is a set of prints too. What think you of the Rake's Progress for your own apartment?

Mar. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll leave you and your infernal house directly.

Hard. Then there's a bright, brazen warming pan, that you may see your own brazen face in.

Mar. My bill, I say!

Hard. I had forgot the great chair, for your own particular slumbers, after a hearty meal. Mar. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't.

Hard. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me I was taught to expect a well-bred, modest man as a visitor here; but now I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.

Mar. How this? Sure I have not mistaken the house! Everything looks like an inn: the servants cry 'coming!" the attendance is awkward; the barmaid too to attend us. But she's here, and will further inform me.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.

Whither so fast, child? a word with you.

I. ACT II.

CROAKER, MRS CROAKER, FRENCH

SERVANT, LOFTY.

Croaker's House.

Enter a FRENCH SERVANT.

Ser. An expresse from Monsieur Lofty. He vil be vait upon your honours instamment. He be only giving four five instruction, read two three memorial, call upon von ambassadeur. He vil be vid you in one tree minutes.

Mrs C. (To Croaker.) You see now, my

dear. What an extensive department! (To Servant.) Well, friend, let your master know that we are extremely honoured by this honour. Was there anything ever in higher style of breeding? All messages among the great are now done by express.

Croa. To be sure, no man does little things with more solemnity, or claims more respect than he. But he's in the right on't. In our bad world, respect is given where respect is claimed.

Mrs C. Never mind the world, my dear; you were never in a pleasanter place in your life. Let us now think of receiving him with proper respect; (a loud rapping at the door) and there he is, by the thundering rap.

ΙΟ

20

Enter LOFTY, speaking to his Servant.

Lofty. And if the Venetian ambassador, or that teasing creature, the marquess, should call, I am not at home. Hang me, I'll be pack-horse to none of them.-My dear madam, I have just snatched a moment-and if the expresses to his grace be ready, let them be sent off; they're of importance-Madam, I ask a thousand pardons.

Mrs C. Sir, this honour

Lofty. And, Dubardieu! if the person calls about the commission, let him know that it is made out. As for Lord Cumbercourt's stale request, it can keep cold: you understand me.-Madam, I ask ten thousand pardons. -And, Dubardieu! if the man comes from the Cornish borough, you must do him; you must do him, I say.-Madam, I ask ten thousand pardons.-And if the Russian ambassador calls-but he will scarce call to-day, I believe-And now, madam, I have just got time to express my happiness in having the honour of being permitted to profess myself your most obedient, humble

servant.

Mrs C. Sir, the happiness and honour are all mine: and yet, I am only robbing the public while I detain you.

Lofty. Sink the public, madam, when the fair are to be attended. Ah, could all my hours be so charmingly devoted! . . Thus it is eternally; solicited for places here, teased for pensions there, and courted everywhere. I know you pity me.

Mrs C. Excuse me, sir, 'Toils of empires pleasures are,' as Waller says.

Lofty. Waller, Waller! Is he of the House?

Mrs C. The modern poet of that name, sir.

Lofty. O, a modern! We men of business despise the moderns; and as for the ancients, we have no time to read them. Poetry is a pretty thing enough for Our wives and daughters; but not for us. Why, now, here I stand, that know nothing of books.. and yet, I believe, upon a land-carriage fishery, a stamp act, or a jag-hire I can talk my two hours without feeling the want of them.

Mrs C. The world is no stranger to Mr Lofty's eminence in every capacity.

Lofty. I'm nothing, nothing, nothing in the world; a mere obscure gentleman. Το be sure, indeed, one or two of the present ministers are pleased to represent me as a formidable man. I know they are pleased to bespatter me at all their little dirty levees.

Yet, upon my soul, I wonder what they see in me to treat me so!

Mrs C. What importance, and yet what modesty!

Lofty. O, if you talk of modesty, madam, there, I own, I'm accessible to praise: modesty is my foible. It was so the Duke of Brentford used to say of me, 'I love Jack Lofty,' he used to say; 'no man has a finer knowledge of things; quite a man of information; and when he speaks upon his legs, by the Lord he's prodigious! He scouts them. And yet all men have their faults; too much modesty is his,' says his grace.

Mrs C. And yet, I dare say, you don't want assurance when you come to solicit for your friends.

we

Lofty. O, there, indeed, I'm in bronze! Apropos! I have just been mentioning Miss Richland's case to a certain personage; must name no names. When I ask I am not to be put off, madam. No, no, I take my friend by the button. A fine girl, sir; great justice in her case. A friend of mineborough interest - business must be done, Mr Secretary, I say Mr Secretary, her business must be done, sir. That's my way, madam.

Mrs C. Bless me! You said all this to the Secretary of State, did you?

Lofty. I did not say the Secretary, did I? Well, curse it! since you have found me out I will not deny it. It was to the Secretary.

Mrs C. This was going to the fountainhead at once, not applying to the understrappers. as Mr Honeywood would have had

us.

Lofty. Honeywood! he! he! He was, indeed, a fine solicitor. I suppose you have heard what has just happened to him?

Mrs C. Poor dear man! no accident, I hope.

Lofty. Undone, madam, that's all. His creditors have taken him into custody. A prisoner in his own house

Mrs C. A prisoner in his own house? How! At this very time? I am quite unhappy 1 for him.

Lofty. Why, so am I. The man, to be sure, was immensely good-natured. But then I could never find that he had anything in him.

think of him! for, I believe, with all his faults, she loves him.

Lofty. Loves him! Does she? You should so cure her of that by all means. Let me see; what if she were sent to him this instant, in his present doleful situation? My life for it, that works her cure. Distress is a perfect antidote to love. Suppose we join her in the next room? Miss Richland is a fine girl, has a fine fortune, and must not be thrown away. Upon my honour, madam, I have a regard for Miss Richland; and, rather than she should be thrown away, I should think it 160 no indignity to marry her myself.

10

II. ACT III.

[Exeunt.

SIR WM. HONEYWOOD, MISS RICHLAND,

LOFTY.

Sir W. Madam, I have been trying my interest of late. Having learned, madam, that you had some demands upon Government, I have, though unasked, been your solicitor there.

Miss R. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to your intentions. But my guardian has employed another gentleman, who assures him of

success.

Sir W. Who? The important little man that visits here? Trust me, madam, he's quite contemptible among men in power, and utterly unable to serve you. 'Mr Lofty's promises are much better known to people of fashion than his person, I assure you.

Miss R. How have we been deceived! As sure as can be, here he comes.

Sir W. Does he?- Remember, I'm to continue unknown. My return to England has not yet been made public. With what impudence he enters!

undertake to set down a brace of dukes, two dozen lords, and half the lower House, at my own peril.

Sir W. And, after all, it's more than probable, sir, he might reject the offer of such powerful patronage.

Lofty. Then, madam, what can we do? You know I never make promises. In truth, I once or twice tried to do something with him in the way of business; but, as I often told his uncle, Sir William Honeywood, the man was utterly impracticable.

I

Sir W. His uncle! Then that gentleman, suppose, is a particular friend of yours? Lofty. Meaning me, sir? (To Miss R.) Yes, madam; as I often said, 'My dear Sir William, you are sensible I would do anything, as far as my poor interest goes, to serve your family': but what can be done? There's no procuring first-rate places for ninth-rate abilities.

Miss R. I have heard of Sir William Honeywood; he's abroad in employment: he confided in your judgment, I suppose.

Lofty. Why, yes, madam, I believe Sir William had some reason to confide in my judgment; one little reason, perhaps.

Miss R. Pray, sir, what was it?

Lofty. Why, madam-but let it go no further-it was I procured him his place. Sir W. Did you, sir?

Lofty. Either you or I, sir.

Miss. R. This, Mr.Lofty, was very kind indeed.

Lofty. I did love him, to be sure; he had some amusing qualities; no man was fitter to be a toast-master to a club, or had a better head.

Miss R. A better head?
Lofty. Ay, at a bottle.

To be sure, he

was as dull as a choice spirit; but, hang it, he was grateful-very grateful; and gratitude hides a multitude of faults.

Sir W. He might have reason, perhaps. His place is pretty considerable, I am told.

Lofty. A trifle, a mere trifle among us men of business. The truth is, he wanted dignity to fill up a greater.

Sir W. Dignity of person, do you mean, sir? I am told he is much about my size and figure, sir.

Lofty. Ay; tall enough for a marching regiment; but then he wanted a somethinga consequence of form -a kind of a-I believe the lady perceives my meaning.

Miss R. Oh, perfectly; you courtiers can do anything, I see.

40

50

60

70

80

90

Lofty. My dear madam, all this is but a mere exchange; we do greater things for one another every day. Why, as thus, now; let me suppose you the First lord of the Treasury; 100 you have an employment in you that I want; I have a place in me that you want: do me

G