I.-ACT I.-Scene 1.

An Apartment in Lord Duberly's House

LORD DUBERLY, LADY DUBERLY, JOHN, DOCTOR PANGLOSS, DICK DOWLAS, WAITER.

Dub. But what does it matter, my lady, whether I drink my tea out of a cup or a sarcer?

Lady D. A great deal in the polite circles, my lord. We have been raised by a strange freak of fortune from nothing, as a body may say, and-

Dub. Nothing! As reputable a trade as any in all Gosport! You hold a merchant as cheap as if he trotted about with all his property in a pack, like a pedlar.

Lady D. A merchant, indeed! Curious merchandise you dealt in, truly!

Dub. A large assortment of articles-coals, cloth, herrings, linen, candles, eggs, sugar, treacle, tea, bacon, and brick-dust; with many more too tedious to mention in this here advertisement.

Lady D. Well, praise the bridge that carried you safe over; but you must drop the tradesman, and learn life. Consider, by the strangest accident, you have been raised to neither more nor less than a peer of the realm... and you must now walk, talk, eat, and drink as becomes your station. 'Tis befitting a nobleman should behave as sich, and know summut of breeding.

Dub. Well, but I ha'n't been a nobleman more nor a week.

Lady D. But why so loud? I declare the

servants will hear!

Dub. Hear! And what will they hear but what they know? Our story a secret! Lord help you! tell 'em Queen Anne's dead, my lady. Don't everybody know that old Lord Duberly was supposed to die without any heir to his estate-as the doctors say, of an implication of diseases, and that his son, Henry Morland, was lost some time ago in the salt sea?

Lady D. Well, there's no occasion to

Dub. Don't everybody know that Lawyer Ferret, of Furnival's Inn, owed the legatees a grudge, and popped a bit of an advertise

ment into the news? Whereas, the heir at law, if there be any reviving, of the late Baron Duberly, will apply-so and so-he'll hear of summut greatly to his advantage.'

Lady D. But why bawl it to the

Dub. Didn't he hunt me out, to prove my title, and lug me from the counter, to clap me into a coach? A house here in Hanover Square, and an estate in the country, worth fifteen thousand per annum! Why, bless you, my lady, every little black devii with a soot-bag cries it about the streets, as often as he says sweep!

Lady D. 'Tis a pity but my lord had left you some manners with his money.

Dub. He! what, my cousin twenty thousand times removed? He must have left them by word of mouth. Never spoke to him but once in all my born life-upon an electioneering matter; that's a time when most of your proud folks make no bones of tippling with a tallow-chandler, in his back room, on a melting-day! But he except calling me cousin, and buying a lot of damaged huckaback, to cut into kitchen towels-he was as cold and stiff as he is now, though he has been dead and buried these nine months, rot him!

Enter JOHN.

John. Doctor Pangloss is below, my lord. Dub. Odsbobs! my lady, that's the man as larns me to talk English.

Lady D. Hush! (Pointing to John.) Consider!

Dub. Hum! I forgot. (To John.) Show him upstairs-d'ye hear? [Exit JOHN. There, was that easy?

Lady D. Tolerable.

Dub. Well, now, get along, my lady; the doctor and I must be snug.

Lady D. Then I bid you a good morning, my lord; as Lady Betty says, I wish you a bon repos! [Exit. Dub. A bone repos!' I don't know how it is, but the women are more 'cuter at these here matters nor the men. My wife, as everybody may see, is as genteel already as 9< if she had been born a duchess. This Doctor Pangloss will do me a deal of good in the

way of fashioning my discourse. So here he

is.

Enter DOCTOR PANGLOSS

Doctor, good morning-I wish you a bone repos! Take a chair, doctor.

Pan. Pardon me, my lord, I am not inclined to be sedentary. I wish, with permission, Erectos ad sidera tollere vultus.' oo Ovid-Hem!

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Dub. Tollory vultures!' I suppose that means you had rather stand?

Pan. Fie! This is a locomotive morning with me. Just hurried, my lord, from the Society of Arts, whence, I may say, 'I have borne my blushing honours thick upon me.' Shakespeare-Hem!

Dub. And what has put your honours to the blush this morning, doctor?

Pan. To the blush! A ludicrous perversion of the author's meaning. (Laughing.) He, he, he! Hem! you shall hear, my lord'Lend me your ears.' Shakespeare again.Hem! 'Tis not unknown to your lordship, and the no less literary world, that the Caledonian University of Aberdeen long since conferred upon me the dignity of LL.D.; and as I never beheld that erudite body, I may safely say they dubbed me with a degree from Lo sheer consideration of my celebrity.

Dub. True.

Pan. For nothing, my lord, but my own innate modesty, could suppose the Scotch college to be swayed by one pound fifteen shillings and threepence three farthings, paid on receiving my diploma, as a handsome compliment to the numerous and learned heads of that seminary.

Dub. Oh, hang it! no; it wasn't for the Omatter of money.

Pun. I do not think it was altogether the 'auri sacra fames.' Virgil. Hem! But this very day, my lord, at eleven o'clock A. M., the Society of Arts, in consequence, as they were pleased to say, of my merits (laughing),he, he, he!-my merits, my lord-have admitted me an unworthy member; and I have henceforward the privilege of adding to my Lame the honourable title of A double S.

Dub. And I make no doubt, doctor, but you have richly deserved it. I warrant a man doesn't get A double S tacked to his name for nothing.

Pan. Decidedly not, my lord. Yes, I am now Artium Societatis Socius. My two last publications did that business. 'Exegi ære perennius.' Horace.

monumentum

Hem!

Dub. And what might them there two o books be about, doctor?`

Pan. The first, my lord, was a plan to lull the restless to sleep, by an infusion of opium into their ears. The efficacy of this method

originally struck me in St Stephen's Chapel, while listening to the oratory of a worthy country gentleman.

Dub. I wonder it warn't hit upon before by the doctors.

Pan. Physicians, my lord, put their patients to sleep in another manner. (Laughing.) He, 160 he, he! To die, to sleep; no more!' Shakespeare.-Hem! My second treatise was a proposal for erecting dove-houses, on a principle tending to increase the propagation of pigeons. This, I may affirm, has received considerable countenance from many who move in the circles of fashion. 'Nec gemere cessabit turtur.' Virgil.-Hem! I am about to publish a third edition by subscription. May Ì have the honour to pop your lordship down 170 among the pigeons?

Dub. Ay, ay; down with me, doctor.

Pan. My lord, I am grateful. I ever insert names and titles at full length. (Taking out his pocket-book.) What may your lordship's sponsorial and patronymic appellations?

Dub. My what?

Pan. I mean, my lord, the designations given to you by your lordship's godfathers and parents.

Dub. Oh! what, my Christian and surname? I was baptised Daniel.

Pan. Abolens baptismate labem.' I forget where no matter.-Hem! (Writing.) 'The Right Honourable DanielDub. Dowlas.

Pan. Dowlas!-'Filthy Dow-.' Hem!Shakespeare. (Writing.) 'The Right Honourable Daniel Dowlas, Baron Duberly.' now, my lord, to your lesson for the day.

Dub. Now for it, doctor.

And

(They sit.)

Pan. Umph! Tête-à-tête with Lady Duberly, I presume?

Dub. Tête-à-tête with five hundred people, hearing of music.

Pan. Oh, I conceive! Your lordship would say a concert. Mark the distinction. A concert, my lord, is an entertainment visited by fashionable lovers of harmony. Now, a consort is a wife; little conducive to harmony in the present day, and seldom visited by a man of fashion, unless she happens to be his friend's or his neighbour's.

Dub. A devil of a difference, indeed!

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Between you and I, doctor (now my lady's out of hearing), a wife is the devil!

There

Pan. (Laughing.) He, he, he! are plenty of Jobs in the world, my lord. Dub. And a precious sight of Jezebels, too, doctor! But patience, as you say; for I never gives my lady no bad language. Whenever

she gets in her tantrums, and talks high, I always sits mum-chance.

Pan. So spake our mother Eve, and Adam heard.' Milton.-Hem! Silence is most secure, my lord, in these cases; for if once your lordship opened your mouth, 'tis twenty to one but bad language would follow.

Dub. Oh, that's a sure thing; and I never liked to disperse the women.

Pan. As-perse.

Dub. Umph! There's another stumble! Arter all, doctor, I shall make but a poor progress in my vermicular tongue.

Pan. Your knowledge of our native, or vernacular language, my lord, time and industry may meliorate.

Dub. But, doctor, I've a bit of a proposal 240 to make to you concerning of my own family. You must know I expect my son Dicky in town this here very morning. Now, doctor, if you would but mend his cakelology, mayhap it might be better worth while than the mending of mine.

Pan. (Aside.) I smell a pupil! (Aloud.) Whence, my lord, does the young gentleman come?

Dub. You shall hear all about it. You

250 know, doctor, though I'm of a good family

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distraction

Pan. Ex

Dub. Though I'm of a good family extraction, 'twas but t'other day I kept a shop at Gosport.

Pan. The rumour has reached me. 'Fama volat, viresque--'

Dub. Don't put me out.

Pan. Virgil.-Hem! Proceed.

Dub. A tradesman, you know, must mind the main chance; so when Dick began to grow as big as a porpuss, I got an old friend of mine, who lives in Derbyshire,—close to the Peak, to take Dick 'prentice at half-price. He's just now out of his time, and, I warrant him, as wild and rough as a rock. Now, if you, doctor-if you would but take him in hand, and soften him a bit

Pan. Pray, my lord-'To soften rocks.'270 Congreve. Hem!-Pray, my lord, what profession may the Honourable Mr Dowlas have foilowed?

Dub. Who-Dick? He has served his clerkship to an attorney at Castleton.

Pan. An attorney! Gentlemen of his profession, my lord, are very difficult to soften.

Dub. Yes; but the pay may make it worth

while. I'm told that my Lord Spindle gives his eldest son, Master Drumstick's tutorer, three hundred a-year; and, besides learning his pupil, he has to read my lord to sleep of an afternoon, and walk out with the lap-dogs and children. Now, if three hundred a-year, doctor, will do the business for Dick, I sha'n't begrudge it you.

Pan. Three hundred a-year! Say no more, my lord! LL.D., A double S, and three hundred a-year! I accept the office. 'Verbum sat.' Horace.-Hem! I'll run to my lodgings -settle with Mrs Sudds-put my wardrobe into a -No, I've got it all on-and(Going.) Dub. Hold-hold! Not so hasty, doctor; I must first send you for Dick to the 'Blue Boar.'

Pan. The Honourable Mr Dowlas, my pupil, at the 'Blue Boar'!

Dub. Ay, in Holborn. As I a'n't fond of telling people good news beforehand, for fear they may be baulked, Dick knows nothing of my being made a lord.

Pan. Three hundred a-year! 'I've often wished that I had clear,

For life, six- -' (No-three!) 'three hundred

Dub. I wrote him, just afore I left Gosport, to tell him to meet me in London withPan. 'Three hundred pounds a-year!' Swift.-Hem!

Dub. With all speed-upon business; d'ye mind me?

Pan. Doctor Pangloss with an income of No lap-dogs, my lord?

Dub. Nay, but listen, doctor. And as I didn't know where old Ferret was to make me live in London, I told Dick to be at the 'Blue Boar' this morning by the stage-coach. Why, you don't hear what I'm talking about, doctor.

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Pan. Oh, perfectly, my lord. (Aside.) Three hundred-'Blue Boars'-in a stage- 32

coach!

Pan. Have you any gentleman here who arrived this morning?

Wait. There's one in the house now, sir.
Pan. Is he juvenile?

Wait. No, sir; he's Derbyshire.

Pan. (Laughing.) He, he, he! Of what appearance is the gentleman?

Wait. Why, plaguy poor, sir.

Pan. I hold him rich, al had he not a sherte.' Chaucer.-Hem! Denominated the Honourable Mr Dowlas?

Wait. Honourable ! He left his name plain Dowlas at the bar, sir.

Pan. Plain Dowlas, did he? That will do. 'For all the rest is leather-

Wait. Leather, sir!

,

Pan. And prunello.' Pope-Hem! Tell Mr Dowlas a gentleman requests the honour of an interview.

Wait. This is his room, sir. He has but just stepped into our parcel warehouse; he'll be with you directly. [Exit.

Pan. Never before did honour and affluence let fall such a shower on the head of Doctor Pangloss! Fortune, I thank thee! Propitious goddess, I am grateful! I, thy favoured child, who commenced his career in the loftiest apartment of a muffin-maker, in Milk Alley! Little did I think-'good easy man!' Shakespeare.-Hem!-of the riches and literary dignities which now

My pupil!

Enter DICK DOWLAS.

Dick. (Entering.) Well, where is the man that wants (Seeing Pangloss.) Oh! you are he, I suppose.

Pan. I am the man, young gentleman. 'Homo sum.' Terence.-Hem! Sir, the person who now presumes to address you, is Peter Pangloss; to whose name, in the College of Aberdeen, is subjoined LL.D., signifying Doctor of Laws; to which has been recently added the distinction of A double S-the Roman initials for a Fellow of the Society of Arts.

Dick. Sir, I am your most obedient, Richard Dowlas; to whose name, in his tailor's bill, is subjoined DR., signifying Debtor; to which are added L.S.D.-the Roman initials for pounds, shillings, and pence. Pan. (Aside.) Ha! this youth was doubtless designed by destiny to move in the circles of fashion; for he's dipped in debt, and makes a merit of telling it.

Dick. But what are your commands with me, doctor?

Pan. I have the honour, young gentleman, of being deputed an ambassador to you, from your father.

Dick. Why, what's the matter?-Any misfortune?-Broke, I fear?

Pan. No, not broke; but his name, as 'tis customary in these cases, has appeared in the Gazette.

Dick. Not broke, but gazetted! Why, zounds and the devil!

Pan. Check your passions--learn philosophy. When the wife of the great Socrates threw a tea-pot at his erudite head, he was as cool as a cucumber. When Plato

Dick. Hang Plato! What of my father?

Pan. Don't hang Plato! the bees swarmed round his mellifluous mouth as soon as he was swaddled. 'Cum in cunis apes in labellis consedissent.' Cicero.-Hem!

Dick. I wish you had a swarm round yours, with all my heart. Come to the point.

Pan. In due time. But calm your choler. 'Ira furor brevis est.' Horace. - Hem! Read this. (Producing a letter.)

Dick. (Snatches the letter, breaks it open, and reads.) 'Dear Dick,-This comes to inform you I am in a perfect state of health, hoping you are the same.' Ay, that's the old beginning. It was my lot last week to Ay, a bankrupt, I suppose!

be made

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'To be made aWhat! To be made a-(spelling)-p-e-a-r.'-A pear!-to be made 100 a pear! What does he mean by that?

Pan. A peer-a peer of the realm. His lordship's orthography is a little loose, but several of his equals countenance the customLord Loggerhead always spells physician with an F.

Dick. A peer! what, my father? I'm electrified!-Old Daniel Dowlas made a peer! But let me see. (Reading.) A peer of the realm-Lawyer Ferret got me mytittoh, title! and an estate of fifteen thousand per ann., by making me out next of kin to old Lord Duberly, because he died withoutwithout hair.' 'Tis an odd reason, by-the-by, to be next of kin to a nobleman because he died bald.

Pan. His lordship means heir-heir to his estate. We shall meliorate his style speedily. 'Reform it altogether.' Shakespeare. -Hem! Dick. (Reading.) 'I send my carrot'Carrot!

Pan. (Laughing.) He! he! he! Chariot, his lordship means. 'Chariot-a little coach.' Johnson. - Hem!

Dick. With Doctor Pangloss in it.'

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