Fluxions, or Paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning-neither would it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments. But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice: then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; and as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries;but above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not misspell, and mis-pronounce words so shamefully. 100 as girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying.—This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; and I don't think there is a superstitious article in it.

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Sir Anth. Well, well, Mrs Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you.

But, Mrs Malaprop, to the more important point in debate,-you say you have no objection to my proposal?

Mrs M. None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr Acres, and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have better success.

Sir Anth. Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs M. We have never seen your son, 120 Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side.

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Sir Anth. Objection! let him object if he dare! No, no, Mrs Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me into a frenzy directly. My process was always very simplein their younger days, 'twas 'Jack do this'; if he demurred, I knocked him down-and if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

Mrs M. Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience!-nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations;-and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs Malaprop, to enforce this 140 matter roundly to the girl;—take my advice -keep a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servant forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. [Exit.

Mrs M. Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition.

Sir, I am delighted to see you here; and looking so well! Your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir Anth. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack.-What, you are recruiting here, hey? Capt. A. Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir Anth. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business.Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

Capt. A. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray fervently that you may continue so.

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Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be heard, 180 with all my heart. Well then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

Capt. A. Sir, you are very good.

Sir Anth. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the 190 world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence.

Capt. A. Sir, your kindness overpowers me.
Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish

Capt. A. My wife, sir!

Sir Anth. Ay, ay, settle that between you200 settle that between you.

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Capt. A. A wife, sir, did you say?

Sir Anth. Ay, a wife-why, did not I mention her before?

Capt. A. Not a word of her, sir.

Sir Anth. Odd so! I mustn't forget her, though.-Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by a marriage-the fortune is saddled with a wife-but I suppose that makes no difference.

Capt. A. Sir! sir! you amaze me!

Sir Anth. Why, what's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all gratitude and duty. Capt. A. I was, sir;-you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife.

Sir Anth. Why,-what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

Capt. A. Pray, sir, who is the lady? Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir?-Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her, directly.

Capt. A. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of!

Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of.

Capt. A. Then, sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed on another-my heart is engaged to an angel.

Sir Anth. Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry-but business prevents its waiting on her.

Capt. A. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you.

Sir Anth. Hark'ee, Jack;-I have heard you 240 for some time with patience—I have been cool— quite cool; but take care; you know I am compliance itself when I am not thwarted; no one more easily led-when I have my own way:-but don't put me in a frenzy.

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Capt. A. Sir, I must repeat it-in this I cannot obey you.

Sir Anth. Now hang me, if ever I call you Jack again, while I live!

Capt. A. Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word-not a word! not one word! so give me your promise by a nod—and I'll tell you what, Jack—I mean, you dog-if you don't, by

Capt. A. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness!—

Sir Anth. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the Crescent; her one eye shall roll like the

bull's in Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew—she shall be all this, sirrah-yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.

Capt. A. This is reason and moderation, indeed!

Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

Capt. A. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!

Capt. A. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please!-it won't do with me, I promise you.

Capt. A. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie!-I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it

won't do.

Capt. A. Nay, sir, upon my word-

2

Sir Anth. So you will fly out! Can't you be cool-like me? What good can passion do? Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, over-bearing reprobate! There, you sneer again! don't provoke me! - but you rely upon the mildness of my temper; -you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition!-Yet, take care-the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do everything on earth that I choose, why-confound you! I may in time forgive you. If not, Żounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light 30 with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.— I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and hang me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit. Capt. A. Mild, gentle, considerate fatherI kiss your hands!—

I in your place, and found my father such very o bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance.

Capt. A. Cease your impertinence, sir, at present. Did you come in for nothing more? -Stand out of the way!

[Pushes him aside and exit. Fag. So! Sir Anthony trims my master: he is afraid to reply to his father-then vents his spleen on poor Fag!-When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, is the vilest 330 injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper, the hasest

Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUte.

Capt. A. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, 350 indeed-but I can assure him it is very sincere. So, so-here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff. (Steps aside.)

Enter SIR ANTHONY.

Sir Anth. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for putting him, at twelve years 360 old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I never will see him more, never-never-never-never!

Capt. A. Now for a penitential face!

(Advances.)

Sir Anth. Fellow, get out of my way!

Capt. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to 380 mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir Anth. Well, puppy?

Capt. A. Why, then, sir, the result of my reflections is a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir Anth. Why, now you talk sense-absolute sense-I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

Capt. A. I am happy in the appellation. Sir Anth. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and raptureprepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

Capt. A. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Did you

Sir Anth. Worcestershire! no. never meet Mrs Malaprop, and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment?

Capt. A. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay. I think I do recollect

something. Languish! Languish ! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl? Sir Anth. Squints! A red-haired girl!

Zounds! no

Capt. A. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

Capt. A. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.

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Sir Anth. Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such 420 eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! Not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness! . . .

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Capt. A. And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched any thing old or ugly to gain an empire.

Capt A. Not to please your father, sir?

Sir Anth. To please my father! Zounds! not to please-O, my father-Odd so! yesyes; if my father indeed had desired-that's quite another matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack!

Capt. A. I daresay not, sir.

Sir Anth. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

Capt. A. Sir, I repeat it-if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think 450 a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind-now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that 460 article.

Sir Anth. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you are an anchorite-a vile, insensible stock. You a soldier!-You're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I've a great mind to marry the girl myself!

Capt. A. I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have 470 me marry the aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady-'tis the same to me, I'll marry the niece.

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Sir Anth. Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or-but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie-I'm sure it must-come, now, for all your demure face-come, confess Jack-you have been lying-ha'n't you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey!—I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the hypocrite.

Capt. A. I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken.

Sir Anth. Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note to Mrs Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you-come along, I'll never forgive go you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience-if you don't, egad, I'll marry the girl myself! [Exeunt.

IIa. ACT III.-Scene 4.
Acres Lodgings.

ACRES, DAVID, SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.

Acres. Indeed, David, . . . dress does make a difference, David.

Dav. 'Tis all in all, I think.-Difference! why, an' you were to go now to Clod Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs Pickle would cry, 'Lard presarve me!' our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.-Oons! I'll hold a gallon, there an't a dog in the house but would bark, and I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!

Acres. Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing.

Dav. So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!

Acres. But, David, has Mr De-la-Grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring.

Dav. I'll call again, sir.

Acres. Do-and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

Dav. I will.-By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!-if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself. [Exit.

Acres. (Comes forward, practising a dancing step.) Sink, slide, coupee. Confound the first inventors of cotillons, say I!-they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen. I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced-and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.--Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple-figure in -right and left-and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county!-but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillons are quite beyond me!-I shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure-mine are true-born English legsthey don't understand their cursed French lingo! their pas this and pas that, and pas t'other! my feet don't like to be called paws!

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Sir L. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

Acres. 'Faith, I have followed Cupid's jacka-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last. In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.-I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentle

man.

Sir L. Pray what is the case?—I ask no

names.

Acres. Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady-her friends take my part-I follow her to Bath, send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of. -This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill used.

Sir L. Very ill, upon my conscience! Pray, can you divine the cause of it?

Acres. Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath.-Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it.

Sir L. A rival in the case, is there?—And you think he has supplanted you unfairly?

Acres. Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.

Sir L. Then sure you know what is to be done!

Acres. Not I, upon my soul!

Sir L. We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

Acres. What! fight him?

Sir L. Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?

Acres. But he has given me no provocation. Sir L. Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? O, by my soul, it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship!

Acres. Breach of friendship! Ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life.

Sir L. That's no argument at all he has the less right then to take such a liberty.

Acres. Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!-I fire apace! odds hilts 100 and blades! I find a man may have a deal

of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right on my side?

Sir L. What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever enquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broadswords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice 110 of it.

Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were a kind of courage, as I may say.

Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.

Sir L. Áh! my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the New Room; every one of 120 whom had killed his man!-For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven Our honour and the family pictures are as fresh

as ever.

Acres. O, Sir Lucius, I have had ancestors too!-every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!-Odds balls and barrels! say no more-I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness 130 in my breast;-Zounds! as the man in the play says, 'I could do such deeds'

Sir L. Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case-these things should always be done civilly.

Acres. I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius-I must be in a rage.-Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper. (Sits down to write.) I would the ink were red!-Indite, I say indite! How 140 shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.

Sir L. Pray compose yourself; do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now.Sir

Acres. That's too civil by half.

Sir L. To prevent the confusion that might