-I can have no sorrows in this world.-My father could not help smiling.-As few as any man, Trim, replied my uncle Toby; nor can I see how a fellow of thy light heart can suffer, but from the distress of poverty in thy old age-when thou art passed all services, Trim-and hast outlived thy friends.-An' please your honour, never fear, replied Trim, cheerily.-But I would have thee never fear, Trim, replied my uncle Toby, and therefore, continued my uncle Toby, throwing down his crutch, and getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word "therefore "-in recompense, Trim, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodness of thy heart I have had such proofs of-whilst thy master is worth a shilling-thou shalt never ask elsewhere, Trim, for a penny.-Trim attempted to thank my uncle Toby-but had not powertears trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off.—He laid his hands upon his breast -made a bow to the ground, and shut the door.

-I have left Trim my bowling-green, cried my uncle Toby.-My father smiled.-I have left him moreover a pension, continued my uncle Toby.My father looked grave.

YOUR

VIII

Uncle Toby and Trim

OUR honour, said Trim, shutting the parlourdoor before he began to speak, has heard, I imagine, of this unlucky accident.-O yes, Trim, said my uncle Toby, and it gives me great concern.

-I am heartily concerned too, but I hope your honour, replied Trim, will do me the justice to believe, that it was not in the least owing to me.To thee-Trim ?-cried my uncle Toby, looking kindly in his face-'twas Susannah's and the curate's folly betwixt them.—What business could they have together, an' please your honour, in the garden?—In the gallery, thou meanest, replied my uncle Toby.

Trim found he was upon a wrong scent, and stopped short with a low bow.-Two misfortunes, quoth the Corporal to himself, are twice as many at least as are needful to be talked over at one time ;

the mischief the cow has done in breaking into the fortifications, may be told his honour hereafter.— Trim's casuistry and address, under the cover of his low bow, prevented all suspicion in my uncle Toby, so he went on with what he had to say to Trim as follows:

-For my own part, Trim, though I can see little or no difference betwixt my nephew's being called Tristram or Trismegistus-yet as the thing sits so near my brother's heart, Trim-I would freely have given a hundred pounds rather than it should have happened.-A hundred pounds, an' please your honour! replied Trim.-I would not give a cherry-stone to boot.-Nor would I, Trim, upon my own account, quoth my uncle Tobybut my brother, whom there is no arguing with in this case-maintains that a great deal more depends, Trim, upon christian-names, than what ignorant people imagine-for he says there never was a great or heroic action performed since the

world began by one called Tristram-nay, he will have it, Trim, that a man can neither be learned, or wise, or brave.-'Tis all fancy, an' please your honour-I thought just as well, replied the Corporal, when the regiment called me Trim, as when they called me James Butler. And for my own part, said my uncle Toby, though I should blush to boast of myself, Trim-yet had my name been Alexander, I could have done no more at Namur than my duty. -Bless your honour! cried Trim, advancing three steps as he spoke, does a man think of his christianname when he goes upon the attack?-Or when he stands in the trench, Trim? cried my uncle Toby, looking firm.-Or when he enters a breach? said Trim, pushing in between two chairs.-Or forces the lines? cried my uncle, rising up, and pushing his crutch like a pike.-Or facing a platoon? cried Trim, presenting his stick like a firelock.— Or when he marches up the glacis? cried my uncle Toby, looking warm and setting his foot upon his stool.

IX

Major Sturgeon on suburban military life

ROGER (without). Justice Sturgeon, the fishmonger from Brentford.

SIR JACOB JOLLUP. Gad's my life! and Major to the Middlesex Militia. Usher him in, Roger.

Enter MAJOR STURGEON.

I could have wished you had come a little sooner, Major Sturgeon.

MAJOR S. Why, what has been the matter, Sir Jacob ?

SIR J. There has, Major, been here an impudent pillmonger, who has dared to scandalize the whole body of the bench.

MAJOR S. Insolent companion! had I been here, I would have mittimused the rascal at

once.

SIR J. No, no; he wanted the major more than the magistrate a few smart strokes from your cane would have fully answered the purpose. Well, Major, our wars are done; the rattling drum and squeaking fife now wound our ears no more.

MAJOR S. True, Sir Jacob; our corps is disembodied; so the French may sleep in security. SIR J. But, Major, was it not rather late in life for you to enter upon the profession of arms?

MAJOR S. A little awkward in the beginning, Sir Jacob the great difficulty they had was, to get me to turn out my toes; but use, use reconciles all them kind of things: why, after my first campaign, I no more minded the noise of the guns than a flea-bite.

SIR J. No!

MAJOR S. No. There is more made of these matters than they merit. For the general good, indeed, I am glad of the peace; but as to my single self, and yet we have had some desperate duty, Sir Jacob.

SIR J. No doubt.

MAJOR S. Oh! such marchings and countermarchings, from Brentford to Ealing, from Ealing to Acton, from Acton to Uxbridge; the dust

flying, sun scorching, men sweating !—Why, there was our last expedition to Hounslow; that day's work carried off Major Molossas. Bunhillfields never saw a braver commander! He was an irreparable loss to the service.

SIR J. How came that about?

MAJOR S. Why, it was partly the major's own fault; I advised him to pull off his spurs before he went upon action; but he was resolute, and would not be ruled.

SIR J. Spirit; zeal for the service.

in

MAJOR S. Doubtless. But to proceed: order to get our men in good spirits, we were quartered at Thistleworth, the evening before. At day-break, our regiment formed at Hounslow, town's end, as it might be about here. The major made a fine disposition: on we marched, the men all in high spirits, to attack the gibbet where Gardel is hanging; but turning down a narrow lane to the left, as it might be about there, in order to possess a pig-sty, that we might take the gallows in flank, and, at all events, secure a retreat, who should come by but a drove of fat oxen from Smithfield. The drums beat in the front, the dogs barked in the rear, the oxen set up a gallop; on they came thundering upon us, broke through our ranks in an instant, and threw the whole corps in confusion.

SIR J. Terrible !

MAJOR S. The major's horse took to his heels ; away he scoured over the heath. The gallant commander stuck both his spurs into his flank, and for some time, held by his mane; but in crossing