• I will fee now whether he will be blooded or no.' He then immediately went up ftairs, and flinging open the door of the chamber with much violence, awaked poor Jones from a very found nap, into which he was fallen, and what was ftill worse, from a delicious dream concerning Sophia.

• Will you

a rage.

be blooded or no?' cries the doctor in I have told you my resolution already.' answered Jones, and I wish with all my heart you had taken my answer: for you have awaked me out ' of the sweetest fleep which I ever had in my life.'

·

Ay, ay,' cries the doctor, many a man hath dofed away his life. Sleep is not always good, no more than food; but remember I demand of you 'for the last time, will you be blooded?' Ian'fwer you for the last time,' faid Jones, I will not.' Then I wash my hands of you,' cries the doctor; ⚫ and I defire you to pay me for the trouble I have had already. Two journies at 5 s. each, two dreffings at 5 s. more, and half a-crown for phlebotomy.' I hope,' faid Jones, you don't intend to leave me in this condition.' Indeed but I fhall,' faid the other. Then,' faid Jones, you have used 'me rafcally, and I will not pay you a farthing.' Very well,' cries the doctor, the firft lofs is the 'beft. What a pox did my landlady mean by fending for me to fuch vagabonds? At which words he flung out of the room. and his patient turning himself about foon recovered his fleep; but his dream was unfortunately gone.

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6

CHA P. IV.

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In which is introduced one of the pleafanteft barbers that was ever recorded in hiftory, the barber of Bagdad, or he in Don Quixote not excepted.

TH

HE clock had now ftruck five, when Jones awaked from a nap of feven hours, fo much refreshed, and in fuch perfect health and fpirits, that he refolved to get up and drefs himself: for which purpose he unlocked his portmanteau, and took out

clean linen, and a fuit of cloaths; but first he flipt on a frock, and went down into the kitchen to befpeak fomething that might pacify certain tumults he found rifing within his stomach.

Meeting the landlady, he accofted her with great civility, and asked what he could have for dinner. For dinner!' fays fhe, it is an odd time of day to think about dinner. There is nothing drest in the house, and the fire is almost out.' • Well but,' fays he, I must have something to eat, and it is almost indifferent to me what: for to tell you the truth, I was never more hungry in my life." Then,' fays fhe, I believe there is a piece of cold buttock and carrot, which will fit you. Nothing better,' anfwered Jones, but I fhould be obliged to you if you would let it be fryed.' To which the landlady confented, and faid fmiling, fhe was glad to fee him fo well recovered:' for the fweetnefs of our heroe's temper was almoft irresistible ; hefides, fhe was really no ill-humoured woman at the bottom; but she loved money fo much, that the hated every thing which had the femblance of poverty.

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Jones now returned in order to drefs himself, while his dinner was preparing, and was, according to his orders, attended by the barber.

This barber, who went by the name of Little Benjamin, was a fellow of great oddity and humour, which had frequently led him into finall inconveniencies, fuch as flaps in the face, kicks in the breech, broken bones, &c. For every one doth not underftand a jeft; and thofe who do. are often difpleafed with being themselves the fubjects of it. This vice was however incurable in him; and though he had often fmarted for it, yet if ever he conceived a joke, he was certain to be delivered of it, without the least refpect of perfons, time, or place.

He had a great many other particularities in his character, which I fhall not mention, as the reader will himself very easily perceive them, on his farther acquaintance with this extraordinary person.

Jones

' omnes.'

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-Jones being impatient to be dreft, for a reafon. which may eafily be imagined, thought the fhaver was very tedious in preparing his fuds, and begged him to make hafte; to which the other answered, with much gravity: for he never difcompofed his mufcles on any account. Feftina lentè is a proverb ' which I learnt long before I ever touched a razor.' I find, friend, you are a fcholar,' replied Jones. 'A poor one,' faid the barber, non omnia poffumus Again!' faid Jones; I fancy you are good at capping verfes.' Excufe me, Sir,' faid the barber, non tanto me dignor honori.' And then proceeding to his operation, Sir,' faid he, fince I have dealt in fuds, I could never difcover more than two reafons for fhaving, the one is to get a 'beard, and the other to get rid of one. I conjecture, Sir, it may not be long fince you fhaved from the former of these motives. Upon my word you have had good fuccefs; for one may fay of your beard, that it is tondenti gravior. I conjecture,' fays Jones, that thou art a very comical fellow.' You mistake me widely, Sir,' faid the barber, 1 am too much addicted to the ftudy of philofophy, 'hinc ille lacrymæ, Sir, that's my misfortune. Too much learning hath been my ruin.' Indeed,' fays Jones, I confefs, friend, you have more learning than generally belongs to your trade; but I can't fee how it can have injured you.' Alas, Sir,' anfwered the fhaver, my father disinherited me for it. He was a dancing-mafter; and because I could read before I could dance, he took an averfion to me, and left every farthing among his other children. Will you pleafe to have your temples—( la! I afk your pardon, I fancy there is hiatus in manufcriptis. I heard you was going to the wars: but I find it was a mistake.' Why do you con'clude fo fays Jones. Sure, Sir,' anfwered the barber, you are too wife a man to carry a broken 'head thither; for that would be carrying coals to Newcastle'

Upon my word,' cries Jones, thou art a very odd fellow, and I like thy humour extremely; I • fhall

C 3

fhall be very glad if thou wilt come to me after dinner, and drink a glass with me; I long to be better acquainted with thee.'

O dear Sir,' faid the barber, I can do you twenty times as great a favour it you will accept of it." What is that, my friend,' cries Jones. Why, I will drink a bottle with you, if you pleafe; for I dearly love good-nature; and as you have found me out to be a comical fellow, fo I have no skill in phyfiognomy, if you are not one of the best na⚫tured gentlemen in the univerfe.' Jones now walked down ftairs neatly dreft, and perhaps the fair Adonis was not a lovelier figure; and yet he had no charms for my landlady: for as that good woman did' not resemble Venus at all in her perfon, fo neither did fhe in her taste. Happy had it been for Nanny the chambermaid, if fhe had feen with the eyes of her miftrefs; for that poor girl fell fo violently in love with Jones in five minutes, that her paffion afterwards coft her many a figh This Nancy was ex

tremely pretty, and altogether as coy; for fhe had refufed a drawer, and one or two young farmers in the neighbourhood, but the bright eyes of our hero thawed all her ice in a moment.

When Jones returned to the kitchen, his cloth was not yet laid nor indeed was there any occafion it fhould, his dinner remaining in ftatu quo, as did the fire which was to drefs it. This disappointment. might have put many a philofophical temper into a paffion; but it had no fuch effect on Jones. He only gave the landlady a gentle rebuke, faying, fince it was fo difficult to get it heated, he would eat the beef cold.' But now the good woman, whether moved by compaffion, or by thame, or by whatever other motive, I cannot tell, firft gave her fervants a round fcold for difobeying the orders which fhe had never given, and then bidding the drawer lay a napkin in the Sun, fhe fet about the matter in good earneft, and foon accomplished it.

This Sun, into which Jones was now conducted, was truly named, as lucus a non lucendo; for it was an apartment into which the fun had fcarce ever looked.

It

It was indeed the worst room in the houfe; and happy was it for Jones that it was fo. However, he has now too hungry to find any fault; but having once fatisfied his appetite, he ordered the drawer to carry a bottle of wine into a better room, and expressed some refentment at having been fhewn into a dungeon.

6

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The drawer having obeyed his commands, he was, after fome time, attended by the barber; who would not indeed have fuffered him to wait fo long for his company, had he not been liftening in the kitchen to the landlady, who was entertaining a circle that the had gathered, round her with the hiftory of poor Jones, part of which fhe had extracted from his own lips, and the other part was her own ingenious com. pofition ; for fhe faid he was a poor parish boy, 'taken into the houfe of 'fquire Allworthy, where 'he was bred up as an apprentice, and now turned out of doors for his mifdeeds, particularly for making love to his young mistress, and probably for robbing the houfe; for how elfe fhould he come by the little money he hath; and this,' fays fhe, 'is your gentleman forfooth. A fervant of 'fquire 'Allworthy!" fays the barber, what's his name?'Why he told me his name was Jones,' fays fhe, perhaps he goes by a wrong name. Nay, and he 'told me too, that the 'fquire had maintained him as 'his own fon, thof he had quarrelled with him now.' And if his name be Jones, he told you the truth.' faid the barber; for I have relations who live in 'that country, nay, and fome people fay he is his 'fon.' 'Why doth he not go by the name of his 'father? I can't tell that,' faid the barber,' many people's fons don't go by the name of their father.' Nay' faid the landlady, if I thought he was a gentleman's fon. thof he was a bye-blow, I fhould ' behave to him in another guess manner; for many ' of these bye-blows come to be great men, and, as my poor first husband used to fay, never affront any customer that's a gentleman.'

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CHAP.