Enthusiastic Musician (who is mistaking a doorstep for the Key-board of an Organ). "C-C-CARNTCHER HEAR? I'M P-P-PLAYIN'-(hie)BACH'S FUGUE IN E MINOR! DON'TCHER KNOW B-BACH'S FUGUE IN E MINOR?"

Policeman. "No, SIR; NEVER HEARD OF HIM. COME ALONG, AND LET ME SEE YOU HOME, SIR."

I-(hic)-WOULDN'T BE SEEN GOING HOME WITH A MAN THAT DON'T KNOW B-BACH'S

SPIRITS

THE DIARY OF A NOBODY. ROBERT ON THE EFFECTS OF BANKWETS. November 15.-Woke about twenty times during the night, with My rewelations on the subjek of Toastes has brort me lots of correterrible thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as spondents. Sum on 'em arsks me if I was serous in my statements. half that in the jug. Kept dreaming, also, that Why in coarse I was, tho' I'm last night's party was a failure, and that a lot not much surprized at the of low people came, without invitation, and kept question. Why I remembers chaffing, and throwing things at Mr. PERKUPP, wun case as beat for downtill at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-right imperance everythink as room (which we had just discovered), with a I hever herd on. The Chairbath-towel over him. It seems absurd now, man got up dreckly after but it was painfully real in the dream. I had dinner and acshally perposed the same dream about a dozen times. CARRIE all the reglar Toastes all at annoyed me by saying, "You know champagne wunce! in wun full swoop, as never agrees with you.' I told her I had only a BROWN said. It was at a couple of glasses of it, having kept myself Copperashun Dinner too. Sum entirely to port. I added that good champagne of the yung fellers, of about hurt nobody, and LUPIN told me he had only got 50 or 60, acshally larfed, but Nobody's Child. it from a traveller as a favour, as that particular brand, "Jackson Frères," has been entirely bought up by a West-End Club. I think I eat too heartily of the "side dishes," as the waiter called them. I said to CARRIE, I wish I had put those 'side dishes' aside." I repeated this, but CARRIE was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. CUMMINGS for the party. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for the office, when LUPIN appeared, with a yellow complexion, and said, "Hulloh, Guv, what priced head have you this morning?" I told him he might just as well speak to me in Dutch. He added, "When I woke this morning, my head was as big as BALDWIN'S Balloon." On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever said; viz., 'Perhaps that accounts for the parashooting pains." We all three roared. November 16.-Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening GOWING called and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He said everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. GoWING can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how long it will last. For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing some blanc-mange on the table, shouted out while the servant was in the room, "Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday?"

66

November 17.-Woke up quite fresh after a good night's rest, and feel quite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going out and Society is not a life for me. I told SARAH not to bring up the blanc-mange again for breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday. CUMMINGS came round in the evening and congratulated us on the success of our party. He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year, but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would have turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of LUPIN and FRANK MUTLAR. CUMMINGS and I asked them to join us. LUPIN said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested a game of "Spoof." On my asking if it required counters, FRANK and LUPIN in measured time said, "One, two, three; Go! Have you an estate in Greenland?" It was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs of the "Holloway Comedians" to do this when a member displays ignorance. In spite of my instructions that blanc-mange was brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. CARRIE asked LUPIN if he would have some, and he replied, "No second-hand goods for me, thank you." I told CARRIE, when we were alone, if that blanc-mange were placed on the table again, I should walk out of the house.

Praps if I were arsked how it is as they lives so long and so jollily, I cood a tale unfoald, but as I sumtimes has the idear of retiring from my pressent perfeshun and starting as a consulting Feesishun for adwising all peeple as particklar wants to live well and to live long, how to do it, I wood rayther not unfoald that tale jest now. I may praps add, that my xperience in that partickler line is probberbly almost quite uneek, and in werry speshal cases of rich and welthy and libberal old Gents as werry much wishes to live just a few years longer, both in good elth and good spirits, I may be priwetly hinsulted by letter addresst to the hoffiss. It estonish may sum peeple to hear that ony the summer before larst, when I was offishiating on bord the Grand City Barge, I was told, and I bleeves it, that in one squadreel as was being danced, the ages of the four gennelmen who was a dancing amounted to werry nearly three hundred years! and they all had werry yung and werry pretty partners.

One of the many results of my long xperience in the dining line is the conwicshun that the werry finest dygester of a reelly scrumshous Bankwet is Good Natur, or Good Temper, whichewer you likes to call it. I can always tell by the tone and manner in which a Gent addresses me at table, how he's a gitting on in that werry himportant respek. If he speeks sharply or surlyly to me, I knows at wunce wot's a goin on in his hunfortnite hinside, and I says to myself, ah! if you had the good temper of a hold Citty Deputy, that patty of For Grar wouldn't be a trubblin of you as it ewidently is, wile if he's a good-tempered feller, he smiles at me when we cums to the werry larst coarse, and says, "I'm not quite sure, ROBERT, as I wants any more, but it reelly looks so nice that I thinks I'll try jest a small peace.' And so he does, and then tosses off another bumper of his Speshal favrit drink, and then leens back in his chair smilin and appy and full.

And what grand fellers sum men are after a reel good dinner! Sum hignoramuses sumtimes wunders why, when sum of our werry grandest charitys wants jest a helpin and to help 'em to keep up their noble hinstitooshuns for all kinds of good and nobel hobjeks, they begins by arsking a lot of people to dinner, and says wot a waist! Bless their simple hignorance! Who nos, so well as we Waiters nos, wot the effecs of a good dinner is, how it hopens the art, and unloosens the tung, and unties the puss strings, and lets out the money. Why many and many an old cormudgeon who never praps gave away a suvverain to ewen a poor relashun when in his strickly sober and cawshus moments, after a reely grand dinner with plenty of fine old Clicko Shampain or the driest Pummery in his estonished hinside, paper cums round, and wen he nos that whatever he gives will be enounced in a partickler lowd woice by the Lordly Tostmaster. The horful pangs of regret when, the next morning, he calls to his fatal remembrance the wild hact of ginerosity of which he has bin gilty owernite, is nuffin to me, and nuffin to the wise men who founded the feast. Having dewoted nearly fourty years of my waluable xistence to the study of mankind under these sumtimes rayther trying suckemstances, I arrives at this result, that the one great hobjek to which all reelly sensibel peeple shood dewote themselves, supposing as they wishes to stand hi in the opinyuns of others as well as their own, is to dewote their cheef thorts, and their cheef study, to the eccomplishment of such a series of reelly nobel Bankwets, as, both by their present enjoyments and their subsekwent refleckshun, will shed an halo ower their mortal xistence. ROBERT.

November 18, Sunday.-A delightfully quiet day. In the after-will put down his name for five or ewen ten ginnys wen the fatal noon LUPIN was off to spend the rest of the day with the MUTLARS. He departed in the best of spirits, and CARRIE said, "Well, one advantage of LUPIN's engagement with DAISY is that the boy seems happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudent engagement." About nine o'clock to our surprise LUPIN entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must say seemed rather theatrical, said, "Have you any brandy?" I said "No, but here is some whiskey." LUPIN drank off nearly a wine-glassful without water, to my horror. We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when CARRIE and I rose to go to bed. CARRIE said to LUPIN, "I hope DAISY is well ?" LUPIN, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the Holloway Comedians, replied: "Oh, DAISY? You mean Miss MUTLAR. I don't know whether she is well or not, but please never to mention her name again in my presence."

Sympathy. (Finlay's Version.)

I SITS with a cynical look,

If the G. O. M. axes me why,

I (mentally) "cuts him a snook":
"Lack of Sympathy makes me," sez I.

Suakin.

PLUCKILY done, and promptly! Here's a sample,
Even in Egypt, of the way to win.
Take, too long-halting Statesmen, an example
By that short, sharp half-hour at Suakin!