Imágenes de páginas
PDF
EPUB

little gray pony, which I keep for sending to market, broke his wind in the cause, and has never been good for anything since.

Nor was there less ado in making ourselves and our attendants fit to appear before such company. The female part of the family managed the matter pretty easily; women, I observe, having a natural talent that way. My wife took upon herself the charge of apparelling me for the occasion. A laced suit, which I had worn at my marriage, was got up for the purpose; but the breeches burst a seam at the very first attempt of pulling them on, and the sleeves of the coat were also impracticable; so she was forced to content herself with clothing me in my Sunday's coat and breeches, with the laced waistcoat of the above-mentioned suit, slit in the back, to set them off a little. My gardener, who has been accustomed, indeed, to serve in many capacities, had his head cropped, curled, and powdered, for the part of butler; one of the best-looking ploughboys had a yellow cape clapped to his Sunday's coat, to make him pass for a servant in livery; and we borrowed my son-in-law the parson's man for a third hand.

All this was accomplished, though not without some tumult and disorder, before the arrival of the great lady. She gave us, indeed, more time for the purpose than we looked for, as it was near six o'clock before she arrived. But this was productive of a misfortune on the other hand; the dinner my poor wife had bustled, sweated, and scolded for, was so over-boiled, over-stewed, and over-roasted, that it needed the appetite of so late an hour to make it go well down even with me, who am not very nice in these matters; luckily, her ladyship, as I am told, never eats much for fear of spoiling her shape, now that small waists have come into fashion again.

The dinner, however, though spoiled in the cooking, was not thrown away, as her ladyship's train made shift to eat the greatest part of it. When I say her train, I do not mean her servants only, of which there were half a dozen in livery, besides the illustrious Mr. Papillot and her ladyship's maid-gentlewoman, I should say who had a table to themselves. Her parlor attendants were equally numerous, consisting of two ladies and six gentlemen, who had accompanied her ladyship in this excursion, and did us the honor of coming to eat and drink with us, and bringing their servants to do the same, though we had never seen or heard of them before.

During the progress of this entertainment, there were several little embarrassments which might appear ridiculous in description, but were matters of serious distress to us. Soup was spilled, dishes overturned, and glasses broken, by the awkwardness of

our attendants, and things were not a bit mended by my wife's solicitude (who, to do her justice, had all her eyes about her) to

correct them.

From the time of her ladyship's arrival, it was impossible that dinner could be over before it was dark; this, with the consideration of the bad road she had to pass through in her way to the next house she meant to visit, produced an invitation from my wife and daughters to pass the night with us, which, after a few words of apology for the trouble she gave us, and a few more of the honor we received, was agreed to. This gave rise to a new scene of preparation, rather more difficult than that before dinner. My wife and I were dislodged from our own apartment to make room for our noble guests. Our four daughters were crammed in by us, and slept on the floor, that their rooms might be left for the two ladies and four of the gentlemen who were entitled to the greatest degree of respect; for the remaining two, we found beds at my son-in-law's. My two eldest daughters had, indeed, little time to sleep, being closeted the greatest part of the night with their right honorable visitor. My offices were turned topsy-turvy for the accommodation of the servants of my guests, and my own horses turned into the fields that theirs might occupy my stable.

All these are hardships of their kind, Mr. Mirror, which the honor that accompanies them seems to me not fully to compensate; but these are slight grievances in comparison with what I have to complain of as the effects of this visit. The malady of my two eldest daughters is not only returned with increased violence upon them, but has now communicated itself to every other branch of my family. My wife, formerly a decent discreet woman, who liked her own way, indeed, but was a notable manager, now talks of this and that piece of expense as necessary to the rank of a gentlewoman, and has lately dropped some broad hints that a winter in town is necessary to the accomplishment of one. My two younger daughters have got the heads that formerly belonged to their elder sisters, to each of whom, unfortunately, the great lady presented a set of feathers, for which new heads were essentially requisite.

This affectation of fashion has gone a step lower in my household. My gardener has tied his hair behind, and stolen my flour to powder it, ever since he saw Mr. Papillot; and yesterday he gave me warning that he should leave me next term if I did not take him into the house and provide another hand for the work in the garden. I found a great hoyden, who washes my daughters' linen, sitting, the other afternoon, dressed in one of their cast fly-caps, entertaining this same oaf of a gardener and the wives

of two of my farm-servants, with tea, forsooth; and when I quarrelled with her for it, she replied that Mrs. Dimity, my Lady 's gentlewoman, told her all the maids at had tea, and saw company of an afternoon.

But I am resolved on a reformation, Mr. Mirror, and shall let my wife and daughters know that I will be master of my own house and my own expenses, and will neither be made a fool or a beggar, though it were after the manner of the greatest lord in Christendom. Yet I confess I am always for trying gentle methods first. I beg, therefore, that you will insert this in your next paper, and add to it some exhortations of your own to prevail on them, if possible, to give over a behavior which, I think, under favor, is rather improper even in great folks, but is certainly ruinous to little ones.

I am, &c.

JOHN HOMESPUN.

THE MUSHROOM FAMILY.

To the Author of the "Lounger."

SIR: I troubled you some time ago with a letter from the country; now that I am come to town, I use the freedom to write to you again. I find the same difficulty in being happy, with everything to make me so, here as there. When I tell this to my country friends, they won't believe me. Oh, dear! to see how the Miss Homespuns looked when they came to take leave of me the morning we set out for Edinburgh! I had just put on my new riding-habit which my brother fetched me from London, and my hat, with two green and three white feathers; and Miss Jessy Homespun admired it so much, and when I let her put it on, she looked in the glass, and said, with a sigh, how charming it was! I had a sad headache with it all morning, but I kept that to myself. "And do, my dear," said she, "write sometimes to us poor moping creatures in the country. But you won't have leisure to think of us, you will be so happy and so much amused." At that moment my brother's post coach rattled up to the door, and the poor Homespuns cried so when we parted! To be sure, they thought that a town life, with my brother's fortune to procure all its amusements, must be quite delightful. Now, sir, to let you know how I have found it.

I was content to be lugged about by my sister for the first week or two, as I knew that in a large town I should be like a fish out of water, as the saying is. But my sister-in-law was always put

[ocr errors]

ting me in mind of my ignorance: "and you country girls-and we who have been in London-and we who have been abroad.” However, between ourselves, I don't find that she knows quite so much as she would make me believe, for it seems they can't learn many things in the Indies; and when she went out, she knew as little as myself; and as for London, she was only a fortnight there on her way home.

So we have got masters that come in to give us lessons in French, and music, and dancing. The two first I can submit to very well. I could always get my tongue readily enough about anything, and I could play pretty well on the virginals at home, though my master says my fingering is not what it should be. But the dancing is a terrible business. My sister-in-law and I are put into the stocks every morning to teach us the right position of our feet; and all the steps I was praised for in the country are now good for nothing, as the cotillon step is the only thing fit for people of fashion; and so we are twisted and twirled till my joints ache again, and, after all, we make, I believe, a very bad figure at it. Indeed, I have not yet ventured to try my hand, my feet I mean, before anybody. But my sister-in-law, who is always praised for everything she does, would needs try her cotillon steps at the assembly, and her partner, Captain Coupée, a constant visitor at my brother's, told her what an admirable dancer she was; but, in truth, she was out of time every instant, and I heard the people tittering at her country fling, as they called it. And so, in the same manner (which I do not think is at all fair, Mr. Lounger), the captain one day at our house declared she sung like an angel (drinking her health in a bumper of my brother's champagne), and yet, as I walked behind him next morning in Prince's Street, I overheard him saying to one of his companions that Mushroom's dinners were very good things, if it were not for the bore of the singing, and that the little Nabobina squalled like a pea-hen.

But, no doubt, it is good manners to commend people to their faces, whatever one may say behind their backs. And I perceive they have got fashionable words for praising things, which it is one of my sister's lessons and mine to have at our tongues' ends, whether we think so or not. Such a thing, she tells me (as she has been taught by her great companion, Miss Gusto), must be charming, another ravishing (indeed, Mr. Lounger, that is the word), and a third divine. As for me, I have yet got no farther than charming; I can only say ravishing in a whisper; and as for divine, I think there is something heathenish in it, though indeed I have been told, since I came here, that the Commandments were only meant for the country.

We have, besides, got another phrase, which is perpetually dinned into my ears by my sister-in-law, and that is the Ton. Such a person is a very good kind of person, but such another is more the Ton; such a lady is handsomer, more witty, more polite, and more good-humored than another, but that other is much more the Ton. I have often asked my sister, and even my French master, to explain the meaning of this word Ton; but they told me there was no translation for it. I think, however, I have found it out to be a very convenient thing for some people. 'Tis like what my grandfather, who was a great admirer of John Knox, used to tell us of popish indulgences; folks who are the Ton may do anything they like without being in the wrong, and everything that is the Ton is right, let it be what it will.

Alas! sir, if the Ton would let poor people alone who don't wish for distinction, there would be the less to complain of; but the misfortune is, that one must be in the Ton whether one's mind gives them to it or not; at least I am told so. We have a French Friseur, whom our Maitre d'Hotel Sabot recommended, who makes great use of this phrase. He screwed up my hair till I thought I should have fainted with the pain, and I did not sleep a wink all the night after, because he said that a hundred little curls were now become the Ton. He recommended a shoemaker, who, he said, made for all the people of the Ton, who pinched my toes till I could hardly walk across the room, because little feet were the Ton. My staymaker, another of the same set, brought me home a pair of stays that were but a few inches round at the waist, and my maid and Sabot broke three laces before they could get them to meet, because small waists were the Ton. I sat at two dinners without being able to eat a morsel, because (I am ashamed to tell it, sir) my stays would not hold a bit. However, I would submit to the Ton no longer in that article, and when I got home in the evening, I took out my scissors in a passion and cut a great slash in the sides. I was resolved I would not be squeezed to death for all the Ton in the world.

And, moreover, the Ton is not satisfied with tearing the hair out of our heads, with pinching our feet, and squeezing the pit of our stomach, but we must have manners which, under favor, sir, I think very odd, and which my grandmother (I was bred up at my grandmother's) would have whipped me for, that she would, if I had ventured to show them when I was with her. I am told that none but a ninny would look down in the sheepish way I do; but that, when I meet a gentleman in our walks, I must look as full at him as I can, to show my eyes, and laugh, to show my

« AnteriorContinuar »