A HISTORY OF CIVILISATION
Oh, Noodelywhang, of Niddelywhing,

Was king of a naughty nation,
And if you'll listen, I'm going to sing

The tale of his civilisation.
Both he and his people were black as sloes,

For the zone they lived in was torrid,
And their principal clothes were a ring through the nose

And a patch of red paint on the forehead.

Their food consisted of fruits and fish

Their drink was the limpid rillet;
Their cookery knew but a single dish,

Which was barbecued enemy's fillet.
And each man might take to him wives a score

He had nothing to do but to catch 'em;
And whenever he found they were getting a bore,

He could just take his club and despatch 'em.

They worshipped mere stocks and misshapen blocka

But their principal idol was copper, And history states that like fighting-cocks

The priests all lived—which was proper.
But into the bay there sailed one day,

To the people's consternation,
The very first ship that had come that way-

A herald of civilisation.

'Twas the good ship William and Jane, of Hull,

And was bound for the far Canaries; But the captain somehow had made a mull

On account of the wind's vagaries.
He stayed a fortnight at Niddelywhing,

And accepted the people's caressings;
Then sailed, but vowed to come back and bring

Them civilisation's blessings.

He returned to Britain, and there you'll guess

His discovery he related,
And at once was elected F.R.G.S.,

And a mighty sensation created.
But he shipped him trousers and crinolines,

A piano, a patent dairy,
Twenty hogsheads of rum, some mustard from Keen's,

And also a missionary.

a

And back he sailed to Niddelywhing,

And reached it late in the autumn,
And he briefly explained to the chiefs and the king

The various blessings he'd brought 'em.
And on shore he sent the reverend gent,
The dairy, the rum, the piano,

And there on the coast he set up a post,
Which stated in Latin that thither he went
In to make it plain) of King George's reign

The vicesimo something anno.

Then the sailors made love to the monarch's wives,

Who in crinolines soon were adorning,
And all of the people drank rum for their lives,

And had headaches every morning.
They tried the mustard, which proved too strong,

And then their amusements to vary,
They'd daily discourses some six hours long

From that eloquent missionary.

But before they began to cook their man,

They partook of their rum so freely,
That the national progress soon began

To be very unsteady and reelly.
Then the captain landed his gallant crew,

And slaughtered the whole of the nation:
Which it seems was his view of what you should do
For the spread of civilisation.

THOMAS HOOD THE YOUNGER

Another of those good ships that sailed, as they sailed.

THE SICK KNIGHT

Reach me the helmet from yonder rack,

Mistress o' mine! with its plume of white;
Now help me upon my destrier's back,

Mistress o' mine! though he swerve in fright.
And guide my foot to the stirrup ledge,

Mistress o' mine! it eludes me still.
Then fill me a cup as a farewell pledge,

Mistress o' mine! for the night air's chill!
Haste! with the buckler and pennon'd lance,

Mistress o' mine! or ever I feel
My war-horse plunge in impatient prance,

Mistress o' mine! at the prick of heel.
Pay scant heed to my pallid hue,

Mistress o' mine! for the wan moon's sheen
Would change the ruddiest cheek to blue,

Mistress o' mine! or glamour it green.
One last long kiss, ere I seek the fray

Mistress o' mine! though I quit my cell,
I would meet the foe in the mad mêlée.

Mistress o' mine! an' I were but well!

And, above all things else, be accom- When the butter flises churn plished at seeing

And the corn-ears tend the 'phones, My jokes.

When the ants do all the mending

And the beeses wax the floors, I complete the ménage by including Then I'll move out in the country on a one other

farm! With all the domestic prestige of a

A. C. FITCH. hen: As my housekeeper, nurse, or it may I sha'n't go until then, either. be, a mother

THE EDUCATED LOVE BIRD

Of man.