ARELLE.

SGAN. I think so too.

LEA. I only wish I knew five or six long Latin words to adorn my talk and to look clever with.

SGAN. Nonsense. You have no need of that, the dress is quite sufficient; I know no more of the matter than you do.

LEA. How? What?

SGAN. Deuce take me if I understand one word about physic! You are a gentleman, and I will trust you as you trust

me.

LEA. What? Are you not really

SGAN. No, I tell you; they made a doctor of me in spite of myself. I had never dreamt of being so learned as that, and all my studies came to an end in the lowest form. I can't imagine what put that whim into their heads; but when I saw that they were resolved to force me to be a doctor, I made up my mind to be one at the expense of those I might have to do with. Yet you would hardly believe how the error has spread abroad, and how every one is obstinately determined to see a great doctor in me. They come to fetch me from right and left; and if things go on in that fashion, I think I had better stick to physic all my life. I find it the best of trades; for, whether we are right or wrong, we are paid equally well. We are never responsible for the bad work, and we cut away as we please in the stuff we work on. A shoemaker in making shoes can't spoil a scrap of leather without having to pay for it, but we can spoil a man without paying one farthing for the damage done. The blunders are not ours, and the fault is always that of the dead man. In short, the best part of this profession is, that there exists among the dead an honesty, a discretion that nothing can surpass; and never as yet has one been known to complain of the doctor who had killed him.

LEA. It is true that the dead are very excellent people in that respect.

SGAN. (seeing some men coming to him). Here are some people who seem to want to consult me. (To LEANDRE.) Go and wait for me near the house of your ladylove.

THI. Master, we was a-coming to look for you, my boy Perrin and me. SGAN. What's the matter?

THI. His poor mother, she's called Perrette, have been bad abed these six months.

SGAN. (holding out his hand as to receive money). What do you wish me to

do?

THI. I wanted to see if you couldn't gi' me a drop of stuff to do her good, sir. SGAN. We'll see. What is the matter with her?

THI. She's very bad with the hypocrisy, sir.

SGAN. Hypocrisy ?

THI. Yes, sure; that is, she's a-swelled all over like, and they say that she's got a lot of seriosities inside her, and that her liver and bowels, or her spleen, as you would call it, instead of makin' of blood, it turns all to water. Every other day the dissentery fever comes on, with lassy-chils and pains in the sinnies of her legs. You can hear in her poor throat the flames that most chokes her; and sometimes she've got the singcups and the conversions so bad that I most think she's a-goin'. We've got in our village a druggister, as mid'say, and he've let her have I can't tell how many different sorts of stuff; and 't'ave a-cost me a good three pound in lotions, if you please, in aperiments, that she've a-got to take, in affections of hyacins, and in cordial mixtures, and that. But all of it, as mid'say, is no more than a chip in the porridge. wanted to give her some stuff they call antemile wine; but I was afeard that would send her right home; and they say that these hedge-boar doctors do kill more people than anybody can tell, with this here new-fangled physic.

He

SGAN. (still holding out his hand, and moving it about to show that he must have money). Let us come to the point, friend, let us come to the point.

THI. The point is, sir, that we be come to ask you what we must do.

SGAN. I do not understand you in the least.

PER. My mother is very bad, sir, and here we've brought you half a sovereign to let us have stuff to do her good.

SGAN. Ah! I understand you. This

PER. Cheese! sir?

SGAN. Yes, cheese, but one in the preparation of which there is gold, coral, pearls, and a quantity of other precious things.

PER. Sir, we be much obliged to you, and we will make her take it directly. SGAN. Go, and if she dies, don't fail to give her a decent funeral.

SCENE III-JACQUELINE, SGANARELLE, LUCAS (further back on the stage). (The stage represents, as in the Second Act,

a room in GERONTE's house). SGAN. Here is the handsome nurse. Ah, nurse of my heart, I am overjoyed at this meeting; and a sight of you is the rhubarb, cassia and senna which drives all melancholy from my heart.

JAC. Goodness me, doctor! that's too fine talk for me! and I can't make out a word of your Latin.

SGAN. Pray fall sick, nurse, fall sick for my sake. I should be so happy to have to cure you.

JAC. Your servant, sir, but I'd ever so much sooner not have to be cured.

SGAN. How I pity you, beautiful nurse, to have such a troublesome and jealous husband!

JAC. What can you expect? I'm only paid home for my own faults; and as you've made your bed, so you must lie.

SGAN. How! a boor like that! a man who is always watching you, and won't allow anybody to speak to you!

JAC. Ah! you haven't seen nothing yet; that's only a bit of a sample of his bad temper.

SGAN. Is it possible? And can a man be so base as to ill-treat a handsome

woman like you? Ah! beautiful nurse, I know of some one not far from here who would give much only to kiss the tip of your tiny toes. Why must such a handsome woman fall into such hands? a real brute, a ruffian, a stupid, a fool. . forgive me, nurse, if I speak in that way of your husband.

JAC. Oh, dear! I know well enough, sir, that he deserves all you have called him.

SGAN. There is no doubt but that he deserves them all, and he well deserves, besides, that you should put something on his head to punish him for his suspicions.

JAC. 'Tis certain that if I kept a sharp eye only upon his business he'd force me to do something queer.

SGAN. Indeed, you would not be wrong to revenge yourself on him with somebody. He is a man who richly deserves it, I tell you; and if I were fortunate enough, fair nurse, to be chosen for . . (He stretches out both his arms to embrace her; LUCAS thrusts his head quickly under them, and places himself between SGANARELLE, and JACQUELINE. SGANARELLE and JACQUELINE look at LUCAS, and go away one on each side, the doctor with much amusing by-play.)

SCENE IV.-GÉRONTE, LUCAS. GER. Halloa, Lucas, have you not seen our doctor about here?

LUC. Yes, the rascal, I have, and so has my wife.

GER. Where can he be?

Luc. I don't know, but I wish he was gone to the devil!

GER. Go and see what my daughter is

doing.

SCENE V.-SGANARELLE, LEANDRE,
GÉRONTE.

GER. Ah! sir, I was inquiring where you were.

SGAN. I was amusing myself in your yard . How is the patient? GER. A little worse since your remedy. SGAN. So much the better; it is a sign that it is doing some good.

GER. Yes; but, in the meantime, I am afraid of its choking her.

SGAN. Do not fret; I have remedies which conquer everything, and I am look. ing forward to the time that she is at death's door.

GER. I understand you.

SGAN. Your daughter will want him.

SCENE VI.-LUCINDE. GERONTE, LEAN-
DRE, JACQUELINE, SGANARELLE.
JAC. Master, here's your daughter, and
she wants to walk.

SGAN. It will do her good. Go to her, Mr. Apothecary, and feel her pulse, that I may be able to consult with you afterwards about her illness. (In the meantime he takes GERONTE to one side of the stage, and passing one arm over his shoulder, prevents him from turning his head whenever he wants to see what his daughter and the apothecary are doing together. In the meantime he speaks as follows.) Sir, it is a great and subtle question amongst doctors whether women are easier to cure than men. Pray listen to this. Some say no; some say yes; and I say both yes and no; forasmuch as the incongruity of the opaque humors which are generally found in the natural temperament of women, being the cause that the animal part overcomes the spiritual, we see that the inequality of their opinions depends on the oblique motions of the circle of the moon; and as the sun which sends its rays on the concavity of the earth finds

LUCI. (to LEANDRE). No, I can never change my sentiments.

GER. My daughter speaks! Oh! the great power of medicine! Admirable doctor! How immensely obliged I am to you, sir, for this marvellous cure! What can I do to repay you such a service?

SGAN. (walking about the stage and fanning himself with his hat). Really, this illness has given me a great deal of trouble!

LUCI. Yes, father, I have recovered my speech, but only to tell you that I will have no other husband than Léandre, and that it is quite useless for you to try and marry me to Horace.

GER. But...

LUCI. (speaking in a shrieking tone). No! It is of no use! It is time lost! You waste your breath. I will do nothing of the kind, I am determined!

GER. Ah! what a rush of words! One can't stand it. (To SGANARELLE.) Sir, I beg you to make her dumb again.

SGAN. This is a thing impossible for me to do. All I can do to serve you is to make you deaf, if you like.

GER. Many thanks. (To LUCINDE.) Do you believe that. LUCI. No; all your reasons will have no power over me.

GER. You will marry Horace this very evening.

LUCI. I had rather marry death itself. SGAN. (to GERONTE). Pray, do not go on. Leave it to me to apply my remedies to this affair. She is under the influence of disease, and I know the remedy for it.

GER. Is it possible, sir, that you can cure this disease of the mind.

SGAN. Yes; leave it to me. I have remedies for everything; and our apothecary is the man for this cure. (To LEANDRE.) One word. You see that the passion she has for that Léandre is altogether contrary to her father's wishes; that there is no time to lose; that the humors are very acrimonious; and that it is important to find out a prompt remedy for this evil, which might increase by procrastination. For my part, I can only think of one remedy for it, which is a detergent dose of flight, which you must mix as well

GER. What!

monium in pills. Perhaps she will object to this remedy; but vou are a clever

you.

SGAN. Yes, it is you who brought the blows upon my shoulders.

LEA. (to SGANARELLE). The result is too good a one for you to bear a grudge against her.

SGAN. Be it so. (To MARTINE.) I forgive you the beating, because of the dig nity to which you have raised me; but prepare yourself in future to live in the utmost awe of a man of my consequence, and remember that the wrath of a doctor is more to be feared than any one can imagine.

should sooner er guessed a hundred thousand."

Says the captain: "Well, sergeant, what do you make it?"

Soon's I could get my wind, says I, "Give a guess, captain.

He looks across the opening a second or two and then says, "A hundred and seventy-five paces, say."

"Thunder, captain, says I, "you've made a pretty close guess. It's just a hundred and seventy-one.'

"And," concluded the sergeant, after the laugh had subsided, "that's how I got my shoulder-straps."

SHERIDAN once succeeded admirably in entrapping a noisy member who was in the habit of interrupting every speaker with cries of "Hear, hear.' He took an opportunity to allude to a well-known political character of the time, who wished to play the rogue, but only had sense Where shall enough to play the fool. we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than this?" "Hear, hear!' was instantly bellowed from the accustomed bench. The wicked wit bowed,

FOR A SOLDIER.

It was during the siege of Wagner, and the Union parallels were but a few hundred yards away from the grim black tubes that ever and anon "embowelled with outrageous noise the air-disgorging foul their horrid glut of iron globes. A line of abattis was to be built across a clear space in point-blank range of the rebel gunners and sharp-shooters in front.

"Sergeant," says the officer in charge, "go pace that opening and give me the distance as near as possible.

Says the sergeant (for we will let him tell the rest of the story):

"I started right off. When I got to the opening I put er like a ship in a gale of wind. What with grape, canister, round shot, shell, and a regular bee's nest of rifle balls, I just think there must have been a fearful drain of ammunition on the Confederate Government about that time. I don't know how it was, but I didn't get so much as a scratch, but I did get powerfully scared. When I got under cover I couldn't er told for the life er me whether it was a hundred or a thousand paces. I

to the question, and sat down amid the convulsions of laughter of all but the unfortunate subject.

ONE SHILLING EACH.-An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a shilling subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of his funeral. Most of the attorneys and barristers having subscribed, one of them applied to Toler, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing his hope that he would also subscribe his shilling. "Only a shilllng!" said Toler "only a shilling to bury an attorney twenty of them. Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and

A DEAF-AND-DUMB mendicant was suddenly startled by the rude shouts of some boys while walking down a city street, and in turning slipped on a banana skin and fell. He gave the lads a severe lecture, much to the enjoyment of a blind beggar at the corner, who saw the whole occurrence through his green glasses, and was much amused.