ACTOR: Apply a week mixture of ammonia and water to the spots where the eggs struck the garments.

POLICE COMMISSIONER: We think Dr. Parkhurst can supply you with the addresses. It would be useless to apply to the Police Captains, as they are entirely ignorant of what goes on in their respective precincts.

WASHINGTON: Unquestionably the wife of the Private Secretary of the Third Assistant Postmaster-General takes precedence of the wife of the son of the Janitor of the Smithsonian Institute.

MRS. N. E., BOSTON: We think the pie should be served after the beans, although among some of Boston's 400 this order is reversed.

YOUNG MOTHER: After bathing, the baby should be hung on the clothes-line to dry. Then he should be given a little soft mash and turned loose in a box stall.

G. A. R.: Of course we are in favor of increasing the appropriations for pensiors. We were born during the war ourselves and expect to file our application next week.

SARCAST: Your remarks are wasted on us. We have had many such letters from people who didn't know enough to enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of rejected manuscript.

COLONEL: You need not flee the country. No law has yet been passed making the Keeley cure compulsory.

CHOLLIE B.: We do not think it would be good form to sue your prospective father-in-law for the ten dollars he borrowed from you. Wait until after you're married.

MISS BIRDIE B., CHICAGO: We do not find the gentleman's name on our list of acquaintances among the British aristocracy. If you desire further information, you might write to Inspector Byrnes, Police Headquarters, New York City. He knows the histories of almost as many English noblemen as the author of Burke's Peerage

LIFE'S FAIRY TALES.

The Average Dog and The Usual Man

THE IRASCIBLE HAYMAKER.

imploringly upon his master as if he ought at least to know the reason of his punishment.

Katzwynk was disgusted with the man's brutality and bebefore realizing the importance of the act had skipped up to them, tapped each with his finger and changed one into the other.

Then away he flew.

Several months passed by and when he saw them again he was surprised at the results of his deed. The dog, who was now a man, had retained his own nature and became a trusty and loveable companion. He was a friend to whose fidelity and devotion there was absolutely no limit. It was refreshing to see a human being with a dog's dignity and forbearance. The man, on the contrary, who was now the dog, looked sharply after his own interests, snubbed the unfortunate dogs and toadied the lucky ones, and cared little for his master or

ON

NE Autumn morning as Katzwynk, a benevolent but quick tempered brownie, reclined half asleep in the hollow of a pumpkin he was aroused by the yelping of a dog as if in great pain. Looking in that direction, he saw the dog was receiving some very energetic kicks from an irascible haymaker. With every blow the shrinking dog cried aloud with pain, and with each kick the haymaker shouted, "Shut up!" which was, of course, a difficult thing to do under the circumstances, The dog all the time kept his eyes

"THE MAN, WHO WAS NOW THE DOG."

his master's household; was often fretful and suspicious, his amiability depending apparently upon the state of his digestion. Moreover he was always ready to yield to any temptation that would promote his personal comfort or prosperity.

When Katzwynk came to know all this he related the facts of the case to the king and queen of the fairies, and urged them to change all men into dogs and all dogs into men; because, as he argued, a man's nature is so lamentably inferior to that of a dog that it is not only unfair but is a foolish waste of good material for the superior animal to occupy such a subordinate and unimportant position.

The Queen was enthusiastic over the scheme, but the King hesitated. He finally said: "The results of

such a course would undoubtedly elevate the human race,

IN THE COURSE OF TIME. HEN Maud and I were nine or ten,

WH

We shared our every grief and joy, Played, quarrelled, "made it up" again, As if she, too, had been a boy.

But when we reached thirteen or so
I seldom let her join my play :
'You're nothing but a girl, you know,"
With frank contempt I used to say.
Years passed, and me, mere seventeen.
Fair Maud was older far than I;
She laughed at me with scorn serene,
For I was "just a boy," and shy.
But when we came to twenty-three,
I more than settled all arrears;
She then had due respect for me,
And-quite ignored our equal years.

And Time, though obdurate to men,
Can spare his scythe, it seems, at will;
For now my son is nearly ten,

Η

HE:

While Maud is three-and-twenty, still.

Charles Prescott Shermon.

IDEAL OF THE OPERA GOER.

E: I see that some people of our set are to produce grand opera at their own houses.

SHE: How delightful; then there'll be none of those odious music-loving people to disturb the conversation.

but it is too important a step to

take hastily. We will begin by transforming only those who are unkind to their dogs."

So the decree went forth,

and became a custom.

There are, of course, cases where a dog is maltreated and the transformation does not take place, but that is only when the fairies are unaware of it.

So whenever you encounter a dog that is selfish, untrustworthy and suspicious, you may be sure he was once a

MARCH 15, 1781.

CORNWALLIS WHIPPED BY GREENE AT THE BATTLE OF GUILFORD COURT HOUSE.

A

MERRY GOTHAM.

SOCIAL Fantasy in Four Parts, Adapted and Arranged from the French for the Lyceum Theatre, by Elizabeth Marbury. The Clever Things in the Dialogue are from LIFE and other Contemporary Publications. The above is not exactly the matter which appears on the programme of the Lyceum Theatre, but the omission of the last sentence is doubtless due to an oversight on the part of the management.

Miss Marbury is careful not to call "Merry Gotham" a play. Just what it is would be hard to determine, but its utter incoherence makes it necessary for the adapter to invent a special class for it, just as they do at the dog show for hairless Mexican and Chinese chow dogs. Classing "Merry Gotham" as "a social fantasy" removes it from the domain of serious criticism. It has no plot, its situations are either impossible or improbable, and at the end of the last section or "part" the spectator finds himself wondering what on earth it is all about.

The first "part" is supposed to depict the restaurant aspect of New York life and, barring a number of glaringly inaccurate details, is quite effective. The other "parts" are placed in the more conventional surrounding of New York interiors, all of which are excellent samples of the scenepainter's and decorator's art.

What Miss Marbury seems to have attempted is to go entirely against the dramatic function of holding the mirror up to nature. To do this she introduces a preposterous and impossible newspaper owner, an unnatural bore, a Mugwump such as no Mugwump ever was, and numerous other

MARCH 20, 1882.

GREAT OVERFLOW OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER.