· not a Fool?' That,' answered the other, is too general a Negative; but none, I believe, is fo likely as a Fool to prove fo. Among my Acquaintance, the fillieft Fellows are the worst Hufbands; and I will venture to affert, as a Fact, that a Man of Senfe rarely behaves very ill to a Wife, who deferves very well.'.

CHAP. VIIL

A dreadful Alarm in the Inn, with the Arrival of an unexpected Friend of Mrs. Fitzpatrick,

OPHIA now, at the Defire of her Cou

fin, related not what follows, but what hath gone before in this Hiftory: For which Reafon the Reader will, I fuppofe, excufe me, for not repeating it over again."

One Remark, however, I cannot forbear making on her Narrative, namely, that she made no more mention of Jones, from the Beginning to the End, than if there had been no fuch Perfon alive. This I will neither endeavour to account for, nor to excufe. Indeed, if this may be called a Kind of Difhonefty, it feems the more inexcufable, from the apparent Openness and explicit Sincerity of the other Lady.-But fo it was.

Juft as Sophia arrived at the Conclufion of her Story, there arrived in the Room where the two Ladies were fitting, a Noise, not unlike, in Loudnefs, to that of a Pack of Hounds juft let out from their Kennel; nor, in Shrillnefs, to Cats, when caterwauling; or, to Screech-Owls; or, indeed, more like (for what Animal can resemble a human Voice?) to thofe Sounds, which, in the pleasant Manfions of that Gate, which feems to derive

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derive its Name from a Duplicity of Tongu iffue from the Mouths, and fometimes from Noftrils of thofe fair River Nymphs, ycleped old the Naiades; in the vulgar Tongue tr flated Oyfter-Wenches: For when, instead the antient Libations of Milk and Honey a Oil, the rich Distillation from the Juniper-B ry, or perhaps, from Malt, hath, by the ea Devotion of their Votaries, been poured fo in great Abundance, fhould any daring Tong with unhallowed Licenfe prophane; i. e. dep ciate the delicate fat Milton Oyfter, the Pla found and firm, the Flounder as much alive when in the Water, the Shrimp as big as Prawn, the fine Cod alive but a few Hours ag or any other of the various Treafures, whi thofe Water-Deities, who fifh the Sea and 1 vers, have committed to the Care of the Nymp the angry Naiades lift up their immortal Voic and the prophané Wretch is ftruck deaf for Impiety.

Such was the Noife, which now burft from o of the Rooms below; and foon the Thund which long had rattled at a Diftance, began approach nearer and nearer, 'till, having afcen ed by Degrees up Stairs, it at laft entered t Apartment where the Ladies were. In short, drop all Metaphor and Figure, Mrs. Honour ha ing fcolded violently below Stairs, and continu the fame all the Way up, came in to her Miftre in a moft outragious Paffion, crying out, Wh doth your Ladyfhip think? Would you im gine, that this impudent Villain, the Mafter this Houfe, hath had the Impudence to tell m nay, to ftand it out to my Face, that you Ladyfhip is that nafty, ftinking Wh-r

• (Fen

(Jenny Cameron they call her) that runs about the Country with the Pretender? Nay, the lying, faucy Villain, had the Affurance to tell me, that your Ladyfhip had owned yourself to be fo: But I have clawed the Rafcal; I have left the Marks of my Nails in his impudent Face. My Lady!" fays I, you faucy Scoundrel: My Lady is Meat for no Pretenders. She is a young Lady of as good Fashion, and Family, and Fortune, as any in Somersetshire. Did you never hear of the great Squire Western, Sirrah? She is his only Daughter; he is,

and Heiress to all his great Eftate. My Lady to be called a nafty Scotch Wh-re by fuch a Varlet-To be fure, I wish I had knocked his Brains out with the Punch-bowl.

The principal Uneafinefs with which Sophia was affected on this Occafion, Honour had her→ felf.caufed, by having in her Paffion difcovered who he was. However, as this Miftake of the Landlord fufficiently accounted for thofe Paffages which Sophia had before mistaken, fhe acquired fome Eafe on that Account; nor could the, upon the whole, forbear fmiling. This enraged Honour, and fhe cried, Indeed, Madam, I did not think your Ladyfhip would have made a laughing Matter of it.. To be called Whore by fuch an impudent low Rafcal. Your Ladyship may be angry with me, for ought I know, for taking your Part, fince proffered Service, they fay, ftinks; but to be fure I could never bear to hear a Lady of mine called Whore. Nor will bear it. Lam fure your Ladyfhip is as virtuous a Lady as ever, fat Foot on English Ground, and I will claw any Villain's Eyes out who dares for to offer to prefume for to say the leaft • Word

I

Word to the contrary. No body ever could fay the leaft ill of the Character of any Lady that ever I waited upon.'

Hinc ille Lachryma; in plain Truth, Honour had as much Love for her Miftrefs as moft Servants have, that is to fay-But befides this, her Pride obliged her to fupport the Character of the Lady fhe waited on; for fhe thought her own was in a very close Manner connected with it. In Proportion as the Character of her Miftrefs was raised, hers likewise, as the conceived, was raised with it; and, on the contrary, the thought the one could not be lowered without the other.

On this Subject, Reader, I must stop a Moment to tell thee a Story. "The famous Nell Gwynn, ftepping one Day from a House where fhe had made a fhort Vifit into her Coach, faw a great Mob affembled, and her Footman all. bloody and dirty; the Fellow being asked by his Mistress, the Reafon of his being in that Condition, answered, I have been fighting, 'Madam, with an impudent Rafcal who called ⚫ your Ladyfhip a Wh-re. You Blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, at this Rate you must fight every Day of your Life; why, you Fool, all the World knows it.' Do they?' cries the Fellow, in a muttering Voice, after he had fhut the Coach Door, they fhan't call me a • Whore's Footman for all that.”

Thus the Paffion of Mrs. Honour appears natural enough, even if it were to be no otherwise accounted for; but, in reality, there was another Caufe of her Anger; for which we must beg Leave to remind our Reader of a Circumftance mentioned in the above Simile.

There are

are indeed certain Liquors, which being applied to our Paffions, or to Fire, produce Effects the very Reverse of thofe produced by Water, as they serve to kindle and inflame, rather than to extinguifh. Among thefe, the generous Liquor: called Punch is one. It was not therefore without Reason, that the learned Dr. Cheney used to call drinking Punch, pouring liquid Fire down your Throat.

Now Mrs. Honour had unluckily poured fo much of this liquid Fire down her Throat, that the Smoke of it began to afcend into her Pericranium, and blinded the Eyes of Reason which is there supposed to keep her Refidence, while the Fire itfelf from the Stomach easily reached the Heart, and there inflamed the noble Paffion of Pride. So that upon the whole, we shall ceafe to wonder at the violent Rage of the Waitingwoman; tho' at first fight we must confefs the Caufe feems inadequate to the Effect.

Sophia, and her Coufin both, did all in their Power to extinguifh thefe Flames which had roared fo loudly all over the Houfe. They at 'length prevailed; or, to carry the Metaphor one Step farther, the Fire having confumed all the Fuel which the Language affords, to wit, every reproachful Term in it, at last went out of its own Accord.

But tho' Tranquillity was reftored above Stairs," it was not fo below; where my Landlady highly refenting the Injury done to the Beauty of her Hufband, by the Flesh-Spades of Mrs. Honour, called aloud for Revenge and Juftice. As to the poor Man who had principally fuffered in the Engagement, he was perfectly quiet. Perhaps the Blood which he loft, might have cooled his

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Anger :