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COARSE, BUT CHARACTERISTIC.

Cabman (whose temper has been ruffled by Omnibus man). "You!! WHY, YOU HUNGRY LOOKING WAGABUN, YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'D BIN LOCK'D UP

FOR A MONTH IN A COOK'S SHOP WITH A MUZZLE ON."

MR PUNCH'S APPEAL TO AN EMINENT
APPEALER.

let us say, and believing no more in Catholicism than in Protestantism, but having a knowledge of the points at issue, and of the history of the two churches, is there nothing in the past history and present pretensions of the Catholic Church, which would lead you to suppose the possibility of free men and Englishmen hating it? Was there never a murder of the Hugonots, and a Pope to sing Te Deum for the strages? Was there never a stake in Smithfield? Do you not lay your ban upon knowledge now wherever you go, or refuse to deliver to the people any such that does not bear your supervisional stamp? We hate you, because we believe you to be tyrants: we scout your pretensions; as these pretensions go, we hold them to be utterly absurd and untenable. It is by overthrowing these pretensions centuries ago, that we secured for the country free citizenship, free press, free commerce. You come among us as the officer of a sovereign whose own state is the most ignorant and benighted in Europe,-whose own subjects hate him, so that they would, but for superior force, fling him out of their country; and you set his standard up here, and wonder you are not popular! We denied your worship, because we believed it led to ignorance, and tyranny, and debasing superstition; because it was defaced by monstrous corruptions: nature and reason revolted against it; and we detested and overthrew it. And, as you make your solemn re-entry into England, with no small parade and ceremony of jubilation, the people welcomes you, and tells you how it regards you.

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You are here, as elsewhere, as everywhere, to make converts, and to accept martyrdom-and about that dreadful oath that you swore—yes, about that oath. Did you, or did you not, (when invested with the pallium, woven by consecrated virgins from the wool of segregated muttons), and on your knees before the Commander of the Faithful, did you, or did you not, pledge yourself to persecute and expugnate, as far as you could, all Heretics? If you had the power, and could silence Mr. Punch, wouldn't you? Do you allow a free press at Rome? Are fair questions of politics or religion_fairly discussed there? Is there a Holy Office existent or not? Is the Diario di Roma as large and well-conducted a journal as the Times newspaper? Will all the Catholic newspapers of the Legations and Naples publish the letters of our Archbishops as our Protestant. Journals publish yours?-Pooh!-Psha!-your Eminence has an eminent sense of humour, and you know that the question is absurd-that your people are, and must be, tyrants and persecutorsthat you dare not face the light of day-that, having possession of the truth absolute, discussion is out of the question. You may invoke that love of honest dealing and fair play, which, in joke or in earnest, is the gift of an Englishman;" but you don't give honest dealing and fair play in return. You can't. You can't allow a man to think for himself. Our right and starting point-our safeguard-the right to which you appeal-the safeguard under which you put yourself-is Free Opinion. Your starting point is Authority. As the august ALDERMAN LAWRENCE says, in the Common-Council, your church has always assumed to itself the same line of conduct, and that is d-nation." The word is the venerable Alderman's-and rather a grave one to be introduced into a Journal whereof the tendency is ordinarily jocular. But when your most reverend coadjutor, JOHN OF TUAM, calls our colleges Godless, he says pretty much the same thing as ALDERMAN LAWRENCE: when your shepherds, writing Pastorals, adopt such a word as that, and deny to us English and Irish, with love in our hearts, with desire of fraternity and benefitting our people by the gift of truth and knowledge to all; when your Bishops and Doctors call our scheme Infidel, and deny us Heaven; when poor DOCTOR NEWMAN, on the appointment of your Eminence and Grace, and their Lordships your twelve suffragans, gets up in chair, and states that the grave is opened, and that its awful tenant has arisen-indicating by that dreadful image that we, the people of England for the last three centuries--that his fathers and mine-that his mother and mine-have been living and dying without Faith and Hope, and are participators in that unspeakable crime and penalty; are we to feel nothing?-to have no scorn for your arrogance, no hatred for your intolerance, which bars the progress of Truth, Love, Knowledge, and Equality-to make no protest against the decree by which you absolutely withdraw the protection of Heaven from us, and consign the souls of our race and people, of our dearest and best beloved, to hopeless perdition? You do all this-you have the Truth absolute, and can't do otherwise-and then you wonder at the anger of Englishmen, and that what you call a death-whoop is raised about your ears.

THOUGH I am by profession a vagrant and jester, cracking my jokes at street corners, setting up my booth at fairs and taverns, and before house-windows, whence children and women are looking out, your Most Reverend Eminence must understand that I am a man and citizen, a tax and rate-payer, and father of a family anxious to lead a decent life, to leave a tolerably honest name to my children, and to keep for them and myself the privileges of free action and opinion, which the English Constitution awards to me and all other people. An Englishman, be he by trade a bishop or a buffoon, has this right of freedom and fair-fellowship. If I were to die, my children would claim and have for my body the privilege of becoming sepulture; I should not be thrust into ground unconsecrated, like poor MOLIÈRE, for a instance, whom your Eminence's predecessors would have buried like carrion. I am Punch, but I am Civis Britannicus, and, as such, feel and think as earnestly upon some subjects as the gravest big-wig among the subjects of our CESAR. I think there never was an empire so glorious, and hold to my rights and my title as strenuously as any Peer of Parliament, Lord Mayor, or Magistrate can do. Hence, if there be a national question-if there were a foreign invasion, for example I must take my side, and shoulder my musket as well as another. I think yours is a foreign invasion, and must do my best to repel it; and find myself compelled to adopt a line of conduct rather different to my usual waggery, in the presence of such an enemy, as reason or prejudice leads me to consider you to be. You come hither, ignoring the religion of my country, as much as if I were a savage or a Hottentot you arrive, bringing with you the keys of Heaven in your pocket. I deny your pretences utterly, and with my whole heart; I scorn your claim to infallibility. I no more care for your Pontifex Maximus, than for the High Priest of Jupiter, who preceded him; and, in my quality of Protestant, protest against you, and every bishop, How can you suppose, official Expugnator and Persecutor of Heretics priest, and deacon under your orders; declaring my belief that honest as you are, that you are to be free to persecute and expugnate, and that people can get to Heaven without you, and in spite of you, and entirely we are not to protest, and to defy you? Your Chief sends his pastoral repudiating your clerical scheme. Any body who thinks that he cannot letter, parcelling out our country under the ecclesiastical supervision of be secure without calling your reverences in, is welcome. There's no you thirteen gentlemen, and taking no more count of the religion question of persecution. Our people may burn a Guy or two; and they already existing here, than if Westminster were Melipotamus, which had best leave that symbolical representation alone; but you know that see to our great regret your Grace has vacated. You have the Truth if you were hustled, Policeman X. would stand by you; and you compli- absolute; there is but one Church: of course, you can do no otherwise. ment the Lord Chief Justice, who would give you a fair trial. We propose a scheme of Education; your Bishops interfere with the Only, if you hear a shout of defiance and anger from one end of the imperial plan, denounce us as Godless and Infidel: of course, you can country to the other, do not, most reverend and dear Sir, express a do no otherwise. You want to win the country back to the old faith wonder at hearing it. If we cry out, it is because we feel ourselves by expugnation, by persuasion-by what means you can, in a word: of injured, depend on that. Suppose you were the Cadi of Constantinople, course: it is your calling: your duty: your business of life. Suppose

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you had possession of our schools: command over our press: rule over our country. You must go to work as you do elsewhere: you must doctor the truth for us: you must shut up our books; and establish an Index Expurgatorius: of course, how could it be otherwise?

And you wonder that we hate you? I do not mean to say that I personally, writing in the name and behoof of Mr. Punch, hate you, NICHOLAS WISEMAN-a gentleman of the highest character, possessing the most consummate talents, learning, eloquence, adroitness-but that I hate that cause which you represent, and which is directly hostile to has been passed my own. I no more hate you than the gentlemen of the Guard hated the by a few of the French Regiment at Fontenoy. But NICHOLAS the man and NICHOLAS Ambassadors in uniform-NICHOLAS in a large red hat and purple stockingsthemselves; who, NICHOLAS in the consecrated pallium made by the consecrated virgins by their absence out of the segregated muttons-NICHOLAS who comes into Fleet Street, from the scenes and says, "I am the Ambassador and Plenipotentiary of the Infallible of recent events Expositor of the Truth-I have the keys of Heaven and the other place; of importance come home with me, my boy, and I will show you a beautiful winking abroad, have virVirgin, that will convert you in the twinkling of an eye-or a holy tually confessed coat-or the bones of the eleven thousand virgins of Cologne-or that they are what you will:"-to such a NICHOLAS I say "Bosh!" and snap "better away" my fingers. Do you imagine I care about your red stockings? when anything of Do you fancy I believe in your winking Virgin? Do you suppose unusual interest I think that you, or your chief, or all the Parsons in Christendom, is happening. We or all the Rabbis in Jewry, or all the Muftis in partibus infidelium, can of course would order my soul one way or other, or (except by the influence, upon me, not think of acexerted, of good counsel and good example) change the intention of the cusing these high Divine Mercy towards me? No-in the sacred name of Truth; no-I and distinguished worship no man; I recognise no Divine Parson, be he Roman or persons-these Puseyite. Against these my ancestors protested three hundred years 'members of the ago-to fight against these and their pretensions the sense of outraged great families" Europe rose-under their shot and daggers, in their fires and scaffolds, -of voluntarily the Believers in Freedom of Thought died all over the world. Mind, shirking their we do not deny you on your side the constancy of your martyrs, and the duty if they thought that their diplomatic services could be of any service admirable courage of your opinion-but now, as then, we and you are whatever, and we can therefore only conclude they felt that they should enemies. The consequence of our system is toleration; it admits you to "do more harm than good" in their diplomatic capacities-or incarights which you can't give us, and secures to you a freedom of which pacities, as the case may be-had they remained at their posts during we never would desire to rob you. You make your claim of infallibility late events of interest. The EARL OF WESTMORELAND, we are told by -we laugh at and scorn it. You rely on your antique pedigree and the Times, has been in London, as the best means of promoting British ceremonies-we call your ceremonies mummeries-yes, mummeries-interests at Berlin; while LORD PONSONBY-says the same authoritywhy not? What is the cause of this "feeling too sickly and too our Ambassador of Vienna, has been serving his country by absence deadening for indignation?" Of course we thought them mummeries: from the scene of his duties. that was why we got rid of them. Whether is it worse, to call your Our Chargé d'Affaires at Bad-en-the idea is a good 'un-has been Eminence's red stockings or the lighted candles of those poor Pimlico staying at Naples, and there have been other instances of our diplofolks mummeries, or to tell us who wish to teach the spelling-book that matists acting on the straightforward, but startling principle, that, we are Godless and Infidel? one or the other of the statements is true, though paid very highly to represent England at a Foreign Court, they must be true; and each side has been making it for three hundred years. are much better "omitted in the representation" when anything of By the by, who succeeds to the vacant see of Melipotamus? if some particular urgency or of unusually vital interest is happening. If it is of our Bishops would go and stay, they might be very welcome. And found that absence enhances the value of Ambassadors, how much about Westminster? What was the difficulty which prevented your more economical it would be to keep them always away from their Grace from going amongst the benighted Irish in the slums of that posts-an arrangement which would have the double advantage of ancient city? Would they not listen to Melipotamus, and are they being much cheaper as well as more satisfactory. The hint is one more likely to be converted by Westminster? That you may be the which we have no doubt MR. COBDEN and other financial reformers Almoner of the Almonry, and your teaching be productive of much will be able to improve upon. It would be a curious calculation could good there, every member of the Establishment must wish, from the the question be solved-if peace should be preserved in the absence of Dean to the Beadle who took your Lordship's twopence at the Shrine the diplomatists from their posts, what would have been the conseof good SAINT EDWARD. quence had they remained at their embassies?

A MEETING has been got up at Dunkeld for the purpose of sympathising with the begrimed and bespattered DUKE OF ATHOLL, unjustly dirtied with printer's ink. The presiding operator was one JouN LESLIE, ESQ., from the congenial place of Butterston. Many speeches ONE day, during the term that is just over, a jejune junior rushed into somehow, his Grace is as black as ever-the ink will stick. It was, were made; and much of the ink attempted to be licked off; but, the Exchequer with a motionette, or little motion, and happened to enter however, finally resolved to present the Duke with a tangible testimojust as their Lordships, in Banco, were looking into a case that had just nial at once illustrative of the ducal virtues and of their admirers. been cited by a QUEEN'S Counsel, who had been in the act of addressing The necessary sort of testimonial became a matter of intense consithem. The junior, unconscious of the state of the case, fancied he had deration; when it was finally settled, amid acclamations, to present found just the favourable opportunity to get a hearing, and creeping into his Grace (for next autumn wear) with a faithful copy of the Victoria a back row, effected a tremendous clearance of his throat, with a view stage costume of the Warlock of the Glen. NATHAN, the theatrical to a sustained effort of eloquence. He had commenced, and got as far tailor, started by a special train to take the Duke's measure. as "If your Lordships please," when the four Barons looked up with the air of very discontented Barons; and the junior, having got the eyes of the Court, believing he had also its ear, proceeded as follows:"I rise, my Lords, for the purpose- Here he was interrupted by exclamation of "We can't hear you, Sir," from one of their Lordships, an intimation that only caused the determined "utter" to grow bolder and more distinct in his utterance. He began again, "I rise, my Lords," and was once more cut short with "We can't hear you, Sir," from the Bench; which urged him to a stentorian effort of startling vehemence; but "We can't hear you now, Sir," was all he could elicit from the Bench, and he immediately left the court, remarking that "he knew Justice was blind, but that its deafness was something he was not prepared to combat with."

"WHAT can be the object of that Crystal Curtain?" said one Gent to another, as they were running, squirrel-fashion, round and round the narrow cage of the Promenade Concerts. "The object of that Crystal Curtain ?" exclaimed his brilliant companion. "Why, it's put there to remind us of the 'end' of the stage, which you know is 'to hold the mirror up to Nature!""

"ALL IS VANITY,"- -as the Swell Mobsman said when he was handed into the Police Van.

HOW TO MAKE A SERJEANT.

We have ascertained, however, that although money makes the man, it is not money alone makes the serjeant; for he is called upon to exhibit his learning in a style somewhat similar to that of the keen encounter of their wits, between the law student and the butler, when the former-over his beer-takes the degree of utter barrister.

THE BULL FIGHT OF LONDON.

THE Guys are going through the streets, the chalk is on the walls;
Besides the usual twopence there's a charge in grave St. Paul's;
And surely any extra charge the fight will well repay,
For the London matador 's to fight the Roman Bull to-day.

THE manufacture of a serjeant is one of those mysteries of the law which are not usually open to the vulgar eye; and the common impression has been, that the paying down of some thousand pounds for the coif-in "Cash down, Sir, tho"- -as the advertising crockerycart used to say, is all that is required. We have heard various other ceremonies spoken of as necessary to the constitution of a serjeant; A lusty blade's our matador, with a deft and ready hand, and among others we have been given to understand, that a Judge of Right quick to turn, and face about, and sharp to shift his stand; the Common Pleas putting up his eye-glass knowingly to his eye, and Two-edged and keen's the sword he wields, and though to dodge inclined, fixing it on the coffee in embryo-exclaims with a jaunty air, "I spy There's none knows better where to stick, when he makes up his mind. a brother." This judicial game at "Eye! spy!! I!!! gives a sort of The bells ring out, the clerks they shout, as to his place he goes; pleasing jocularity to the process, which contrasts rather powerfully Firm and well-rounded shows his calf under the purple hose; with the serious business of pulling out one thousand pounds-in cash! His apron is tucked up for work, his eye is clear and keen, -as the price of the dignity. And his round bald head it shineth like polished marble clean. Bring forth the Bull! The Bull is brought, within the gazing ranks,Upon his head the triple crown, the red-hat on his flanks; The leaden seal tied to his tail, wide-spreading are his hornsThe obvious joke about his hoofs the courteous minstrel scorns. He bears him bold and burly, but the knowing ones espy A something groggy in his legs, and glassy in his eye; And though he chafes and paws the ground, and bellows loud and long, He's not the Bull that once he was, the Roman hills among. He hath flung his broad brows to the ground, the matador to catch On the horns of a dilemma, but I ween he's met his match: The ceremony of making MR. BARON MARTIN a serjeant, upon All vain the rush, the sidelong push-for one turn he can take, making him to the great satisfaction of everybody-a judge, was con- The nimble son of London two turns, at least, doth make. ducted much in the following fashion:-MR. BARON MARTIN, reading from an old bit of parchment, insisted rather calmly that JOHN SMITH Panting at length, and shorn of strength, the baffled Bull is standing, claimed the lands, of which JOHN DOE stood seised, and that JOHN And turns an eye that obviously the reason is demanding, SMITH, being determined not to stand such a seisure, claimed the said Why this matador of London hath ta'en to welt and whack lands, or words to that effect. Upon this a shriek was heard from the The bull that a few years since he patted on the back? usher, who, starting up in his box, exclaimed with unusual briskness, To query mute the bothered brute of course gets no reply; "I imparl," when some one else in the background growled out an Forth he hath broke, a final stroke determined to let fly; intimation that he "represented the widow;" upon which MR. BARON MARTIN, appearing to give up the case as hopeless with such antago- But on his heel in one short wheel the matador's at large, nists arrayed against him, retired from the bar, as if in disgust and And the Bull goes down, upon his crown, before the fatal charge! despair of making any stand in the face of such powerful competition. Happily, his retirement from the ranks of counsel was speedily followed by his appearance as a Judge on the bench, to which the profession and the public have unanimously welcomed him.

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Every one knows that a call to the Bar-at all events at Gray's Inn -is effected by the candidate for the forensic toga imbibing a small quantity of the very smallest of swipes, and declaring, at the same time, that he appears for the widow, and claims her dower," while the butler, taking the mug and the pleadings out of the student's hand, announces himself as appearing for the heir, and the two learned litigants at once proceed to the library.

We all know that the last feather will occasion a smash to the back bone of the camel; and we must, we suppose, imagine that it was something of this sort which forced MR. MARTIN to yield under the responsibility of his last brief, (with the usher "imparling" on one side, and a mysterious growler behind the back rows "representing the widow,") rather than "fight it out "under such fearful odds. The learned counsel abandons JOHN SMITH,-leaves him at the mercy of DOE,-to brave the terrors of an "imparlance," and make the best arrangement he can to pacify "the widow." Happy are we that MR. BARON MARTIN has found in the bench a refuge from such endless sources of litigation, the widow alone being quite enough to drive any peaceably disposed counsel to distraction.

COURT CIRCULAR.

(Such as Puseyism would, perhaps, like to read it.) YESTERDAY morning, the QUEEN and PRINCE ALBERT took their accustomed walk on the slopes-with peas in their shoes. HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCE ALBERT, attended by the REVEREND MESSRS. HOAKES AND BAM, walked out reading. The volume used by his ROYAL HIGHNESS was a highly illuminated legend relative to ST. SWITHIN. The PRINCE returned to no lunch at two o'clock, it being Friday.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL left Town for Canterbury by an early train, and, immediately on his arrival, repaired to the restored shrine of ST. THOMAS À BECKETT, to partake of the discipline of the rod. Having received a sound whipping, his Lordship returned to Town in the evening, and had an interview with his medical man.

Mr. Punch did public penance in front of his office, in the presence of a great crowd of spectators.

THREE TO ONE.

THE "Ladies' Companion" has a series of articles called "The Three Ages of Woman." We cannot help thinking that our graceful, entertaining contemporary has fallen into a strange ungallant error, for it is too bad to give poor Woman "three ages," when it is as much as she can do to confess to one!

RAILWAY GREASE.

less than twenty-five of its poorest inhabitants to stand godfather to "MR. HUDSON, on his last visit to Sunderland, was solicited by no their children. This is a pleasing proof of the very strong hold he possesses upon the affections of his constituents."-Newcastle Sycophant and guards on the Eastern Counties Railway, to erect a statue in A penny subscription has been started amongst the stokers honour of a late lamented and much beloved Director. We need not say we allude to the Railway King, MR. HUDSON, whose return to power will be chronicled amongst the proudest events of the forthcoming year."-The York Friend.

"We have authority for stating that offers have been made to MR. HUDSON, in the name of the EMPEROR OF CHINA, to proceed instantly to Pekin, with a view of consulting with his Celestial Majesty upon the possibility of laying down a railway upon the Great Wall of China. The expense, it is considered, would only consist of the outlay for the iron and the engines, and a sum exceeding one million was offered to MR. HUDSON by a celebrated Manchester firm, if he would only secure their establishment the Imperial contract. We are proud and happy to state, however, that MR. HUDSON has refused all these tempting offers, with the generous intention of concentrating his entire attention upon railway matters at home, which we are sorry to see suffering more and more every week from his prolonged absence, and which must end in the fearful ruin of all parties, unless MR. HUDSON is immediately called in to avert the impending evil."-Manchester Feeler.

"A Director of the Caledonian Railway sent MR. HUDSON, last week, a brace of grouse; and it was only the week before that he received, from one of the largest holders of shares in the same line, a hamper packed full of game. These little presents are flattering evidence of the high trust which all persons who have invested their fortunes in railways repose in MR. HUDSON, and show too strongly how pleased the entire body of shareholders of the Caledonian Railway would be if the ex-Railway King would but consent to undertake the management of their hopeless affairs."-The Cannie Scotsman.

"MR. HUDSON entertained, on Monday last, 300 Railway Directors, at his princely mansion in Hyde Park. The only topic of conversation was the universal regret that MR. HUDSON had so long absented himself from railway matters, and a lively hope was generally expressed that he would soon return to power, and resume the powerful position he once so proudly occupied, as the BARING of the Stock Exchange, and the ROTHSCHILD of Capel Court. In such a wish all honourable men must sincerely concur."-Railway Weekly Buffer.

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