A FOUNDLING.

the lady has time to adjust herself, or to remove any disagreeable object out of the way; for there are some situations in which nice and delicate women would not be discovered by their husbands. To say the truth, there are several ceremonies instituted among the polished part of mankind, which, though they may, to coarser judgments, appear as matters of mere form, are found to have much of substance in them by the more discerning; and lucky would it have been had the custom above mentioned been observed by our gentleman in the present instance. Knock, indeed, he did at the door, but not with one of those gentle raps which are usual on such occasions: on the contrary, when he found the door locked, he flew at it with such violence that the lock immediately gave way, the door burst open, and he fell headlong into the room. He had no sooner recovered his legs, than forth from the bed, upon his legs likewise, appeared-with shame and sorrow are we obliged to proceed--our hero himself, who, with a menacing voice, demanded of the gentleman who he was, and what he meant by daring to burst open his chamber in that outrageous manner. The gentleman at first thought he had committed a mistake, and was going to ask pardon and retreat, when, on a sudden, as the moon shone very bright, he cast his eyes on stays, gowns, petticoats, caps, ribands, stockings, garters, shoes, clogs, &c., all which lay in a disordered manner on the floor. these, operating on the natural jealousy of his temper, so enraged him, that he lost all power of speech; and, without returning any answer to Jones, he endeavoured to approach the bed.

66

All

Jones immediately interposing, a fierce contention arose, which soon proceeded to blows on both sides. And now Mrs. Waters (for we must confess she was in the same bed) being, I suppose, awakened from her sleep, and seeing two men fighting in her bedchamber, began to scream in the most violent manner, crying out "murder! robbery!" and, more frequently, rape!" which last, some, perhaps, may wonder she should mention, who do not consider that these words of exclamation are used by ladies in a fright, as, fa, la, la, ra, da, &c., are in music, only as the vehicles of sound, and without any fixed ideas. Next to the lady's chamber was deposited the body of an Irish gentleman, who arrived too late at the inn to have been mentioned before.

This gentleman was one of those whom the Irish call a calabalaro, or cavalier: he was a younger brother of a good family, and having no fortune at home, was obliged to look abroad in order to get one; for which purpose he was proceeding to Bath, to try his luck with cards and the women. This young fellow lay in bed reading one of Mrs. Ben's novels; for he had been instructed by a friend that he would find no more effectual method of recommending himself to the ladies than the improving his understanding, and filling his mind with good literature. He no sooner, therefore, heard the violent uproar in the next room, than he leaped from his bolster, and taking his sword in one hand, and the candle which burnt by him in the other, he went directly to Mrs. Waters's chamber. If the sight of another man in his shirt at first added some shock to the decency of the lady, it made her presently amends by considerably abating her fears; for no sooner had the calabalaro entered the room, than he cried out, “Mr. Fitzpatrick, what the devil is the maning of this?" upon which the other immediately answered, "O, Mr. Macklachlan! I am rejoiced you are here. This villain has debauched my wife, and is got into bed with her."-" What wife?" cries Macklachlan; "do not I know Mrs. Fitzpatrick very well, and don't I see that the lady whom the gentleman who stands here in his shirt is lying in bed with is none of her?"

Fitzpatrick now perceiving, as well by the glimpse he had of the lady as by her voice, which might have been distinguished at a greater distance than he now stood from her, that he had made a very unfortunate mistake, began to ask many pardons of the lady; and then turning to Jones, he said, "I would have you take notice, I do not ask your pardon, for you have bate me; for which I am resolved to have your blood in the morning." Jones treated this menace with much contempt; and Mr. Macklachlan answered, "Indeed, Mr. Fitzpatrick, you may be ashamed of your own self to disturb people at this time of night: if all the people in the inn were not asleep, you would have awakened them as you have me. The gentleman has served you very rightly. Upon my conscience, though I have no wife, if you had treated her so I would have cut your throat." Jones was so confounded with his fears for his lady's reputation, that he knew neither what to say nor do; but the invention of women is, as has been observed,

much readier than that of men.

She recollected that

there was a communication between her chamber and that of Mr. Jones; relying therefore on his honour and her own assurance, she answered, "I know not what you mean, villains! I am wife to none of you. Help! rape! murder! rape!" And now the landlady coming into the room, Mrs. Waters fell upon her with the utmost virulence, saying, she thought herself in a sober inn, and not in a bawdy-house; but that a set of villains had broken into her room, with an intent upon her honour, if not upon her life; and both, she said, were equally dear to her. The landlady now began to roar as loudly as the poor woman in bed had done before. She cried she was undone, and that the reputation of her house, which was never blown upon before, was utterly destroyed. Then turning to the men, she cried, "What, in the devil's name, is the reason of all this disturbance in the lady's room?" Fitzpatrick hanging down his head, repeated that he had committed a mistake, for which he heartily asked pardon; and then retired with his countryman. Jones, who was too ingenious to have missed the hint given him by his fair one, boldly asserted that he had run to her assistance upon hearing the door broken open; with what design he could not conceive, unless of robbing the lady; which, if they intended, he said he had the good fortune to prevent. "I never had a robbery committed in my house since I have kept it," cries the landlady: "I would have you to know, sir, I harbour no highwaymen here: I scorn the word, thof I say it. None but honest, good gentlefolks are welcome to my house; and, I thank good luck, I have always had enow of such customers; indeed, as many as 1 could entertain. Here has been my Lord," and then she repeated over a catalogue of names and titles, many of which we might, perhaps, be guilty of a breach of privilege by inserting. Jones, after much patience, at length interrupted her, by making an apology to Mrs. Waters for having appeared before her in his shirt, assuring her that nothing but a concern for her safety could have prevailed on him to do it. The reader may inform himself of her answer, and, indeed, of her whole behaviour to the end of the scene, by considering the situation which she affected, it being that of a modest lady, who was awakened out of her sleep by three strange men in her chamber. This was the part which she undertook

to perform; and indeed she executed it so well, that none of our theatrical actresses could exceed her in any of their performances, either on or off the stage. And hence, I think, we may very fairly draw an argument, to prove how extremely natural virtue is to the fair sex: for though there is not, perhaps, one in ten thousand who is capable of making a good actress, and even among these we rarely see two who are equally able to personate the same character, yet this of virtue they can all admirably well put on; and as well those individuals who have it not, as those who possess it, can all act it to the utmost degree of perfection.

When the men were all departed, Mrs. Waters, recovering from her fear, recovered likewise from her anger, and spoke in much gentler accents to the landlady, who did not so readily quit her concern for the reputation of the house, in favour of which she began again to number the many great persons who had slept under her roof; but the lady stopped her short, and having absolutely acquitted her of having had any share in the past disturbance, begged to be left to her repose, which, she said, she hoped to enjoy unmolested during the remainder of the night. Upon which the landlady, after much civility and many courtesies, took her leave.

CHAP. III.-A dialogue between the landlady and Susan the chambermaid, proper to be read by all innkeepers and their servants; with the arrival and affable behaviour of a beautiful young lady : which may teach persons of condition how they may acquire the love of the whole world.

THE landlady, remembering that Susan had been the only person out of bed when the door was burst open, resorted presently to her, to inquire into the first occasion of the disturbance, as well as who the strange gentleman was, and when and how he arrived. Susan related the whole story, which the reader knows already, varying the truth only in some circumstances, as she saw convenient, and totally concealing the money which she had received. But whereas her mistress had, in the preface to her inquiry, spoken much in compassion for the fright which the lady had been in concerning any intended depredations on her virtue, Susan could not help endeavouring to quiet the concern which her mistress seemed to be under on that account, by swearing

heartily that she saw Jones leap out from her bed. The landlady fell into a violent rage at these words. "A likely story, truly," cried she, "that a woman should cry out, and endeavour to expose herself, if that was the case! I desire to know what better proof any lady can give of her virtue than her crying out, which, I believe, twenty people can witness for her she did? I beg, madam, you would spread no such scandal of any of my guests; for it will not only reflect on them, but upon the house; and I am sure no vagabonds, nor wicked beggarly people, come here."-"Well," says Susan, "then I must not believe my own eyes."66 No, indeed, must you not always," answered her mistress; "I would not have believed my own eyes against such good gentlefolks. I have not had a better supper ordered this half year than they ordered last night; and so easy and good-humoured were they, that they found no fault with my Worcestershire perry, which I sold them for champaign; and to be sure it is as well tasted, and as wholesome as the best champaign in the kingdom, otherwise I would scorn to give it 'em : and they drank me two bottles. No, no, I will never believe any harm of such sober good sort of people." Susan being thus silenced, her mistress proceeded to other matters. "And so you tell me," continued she, "that the strange gentleman came post, and there is a footman without with the horses! why, then, he is certainly some of your great gentlefolks too. Why did not you ask him whether he'd have any supper? I think he is in the other gentleman's room: go up, and ask whether he called. Perhaps he'll order something when he finds anybody stirring in the house to dress it. Now don't commit any of your usual blunders, by telling him the fire's out, and the fowls alive. And if he should order mutton, don't blab out that we have none. The butcher, I know, killed a sheep just before I went to bed, and he never refuses to cut it up warm when I desire it. Go, remember there's all sorts of mutton and fowls; go, open the door with-Gentlemen, d'ye call? and if they say nothing, ask what his honour will be pleased to have for supper? Don't forget his honour. Go; if you don't mind all these matters better, you'll never come to any thing." Susan departed, and soon returned with an account that the two gentlemen were got both into the same bed. "Two gentlemen," says the landlady,