CHAP. VIII.

A dreadful alarm in the inn, with the arrival of an unPeriple expected friend of Mns. Fitzpatrick.

SOP

OPHIA now, at the defire of her coufin, related -not what follows, but what hath gone before in this hiftory: for which reafon the reader will, I fuppofe, excufe me, for not repeating it over again.

One remark, however, I cannot forbear making on her narrative, namely, that he made no more mention of Jones, from the beginning to the end, than if there had been no fuch perfon alive. This I will neither endeavour to account for, nor to excufe. Indeed, if this may be called a kind of dishonefty, it feems the more inexcufable, from the apparent openness and explicit fincerity of the other lady.-But fo it was

Juft as Sophia arrived at the conclufion of her ftory, there arrived in the room where the two ladies were fitting, a noise, not unlike, in loudnefs, to that of a pack of hounds just let out from their kennel; nor, in fhrillness, to cats, when caterwauling: or, to fereechowls; or, indeed, more like (for what animal can refemble a human voice) to thofe founds, which, in the pleasant manfions of that gate, which feems to de. rive its name from a duplicity of tongues, iffue from the mouths, and fometimes from the noftrils of those fair river nymphs, ycleped of old the Naïades; in the vulgar tongue tranflated oyfter-wenches: for when, inftead of the antient libations of milk and honey and oil, the rich diftillation from the juniper-berry, or perhaps, from malt, hath, by the early devotion of their votaries, been poured forth in great abundance, fhould any daring tongue with unhallowed licenfe prophane; i. e. depreciate the delicate fat. Milton oyfter, the plaice found and firm, the flounder as much alive as when in the water, the fhrimp as big as a prawn, the fine cod alive but a few hours ago, or any other of the various treasures, which thofe water-deities, who fish the fea and rivers, have committed to the care of the nymphs, the angry Naiades lift up their immortal

voices,

voices, and the prophane wretch is ftruck deaf for his impiety.

Such was the noise, which now burft from one of the rooms below; and foon the thunder, which long had rattled at a diftance, began to approach nearer and nearer, 'till having afcended by degrees up ftairs, it at last entered the apartment where the ladies were. In fhort, to drop all metaphor and figure, Mrs. Honour having fcolded violently below ftairs, and continued the fame all the way up, came in to her miftrefs in a moft outrageous paffion, crying out, • What doth your ladyfhip think? Would you imagine, that this impudent villain, the mafter of this houfe, • hath had the impudence to tell me, nay, to ftand it out to my face, that your ladyship is that nasty, ftinking wh-re, (Jenny Cameron they call her) that runs about the country with the pretender ? Nay, the lying, faucy villain, had the affurance to tell me, that your ladyfhip had owned yourself to be fo: but I have clawed the rafcal; I have left the marks of my nails in his impudent face. My lady! fays I, you faucy fcoundrel: my lady is meat for no pretenders. She is a young lady of as good fashion, and family, and fortune, as any in Somersetshire. Did you never hear of the great 'fquire Western, firrah? She is his only daughter; fhe is, heiress to all his great eftate. My lady to be called a nafty Scotch where by fuch a varlet-To be fure, I wished I had knocked his brains out with the punch bowl.'

and

The principal uneafinefs with which Sophia was affected on this occafion, Honour had herself caufed, by having in her paffion difcovered who fhe was. However, as this mistake of the landlord fufficiently aecounted for thofe paffages which Sophia had before. mistaken, she acquired fome eafe on that account; nor could the, upon the whole, forbear fmiling. This enraged Honour, and fhe cried,Indeed, Madam, I did not think your ladyfhip would have made a laughing matter of it. To be called whore by fuch an impudent low rafcal. Your ladyship may be angry with me, for ought I know, for taking your part,

finde proffered fervice, they fay, ftinks; but to be fure I could never bear to hear a lady of mine called whore. Nor will I bear it. I am fure your lady. fhip is as virtuous a lady as ever fat foot on English ground, and I will claw any villain's eyes out who dares for to offer to prefume for to say the leaft word to the contrary. No body ever could fay the leaft ill of the character of any lady that ever I waited upon.' Hinc ille lachryma; in plain truth, Honour had as much love for her miftrefs as moft fervants have, that is to fay-But befides this, her pride obliged her to fupport the character of the lady fhe waited on; for the thought her own was in a very clofe manner connected with it. In proportion as the character of her mistress was raised, hers likewife, as the conceived, was raifed with it; and, on the contrary, the thought the one could not be lowered without the other.

On this fubject, reader, I muft ftop a moment to tell thee a story. The famous Nell Gwynn, ftep"ping one day from a houfe where fhe had made a fhort vifit into her coach, faw a great mob affembled, and her footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being afked by his miftrefs, the reafon of his being in that condition,' anfwered, I have been fighting, Madam, with an impudent rafcal who called your ladyfhip a wh-re." You blockhead,' replied Mrs. Gwynn, at this rate you must fight every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world ⚫ knows it.' < Do they cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had fhut the coach door, they fhan't call me a whore's footman for all that.'

Thus the paffion of Mrs. Honour appears natural enough, even if it were to be no otherwife accounted for; but, in reality, there was another cause of her anger; for which we muft beg leave to remind our reader of a circumftance mentioned in the above fimile. There are indeed certain liquors, which being applied to our paffions, or to fire, produce effects the very reverfe of thofe produced by water, as they ferve to kindle and inflame, rather than to extinguish. Among thefe, the generous liquor called punch is one. It

was

་

was not therefore without reafon, that the learned Dr. Cheney used to call drinking punch, pouring liquid fire down your throat.

Now Mrs. Honour had unluckily poured fo much. of this liquid fire down her throat, that the fmoke of it began to afcend into her pericranium, and blinded the eyes of reafon, which is there fuppofed to keep her refidence, while the fire itself from the ftomach eafily reached the heart, and there inflamed the noble paffion of pride. So that upon the whole, wé fhall ceafe to wonder at the violent rage of the waiting-woman; though at first fight we must confefs the caufe feems inadequate to the effect.

Sophia, and her coufin both, did all in their power. to extinguish these flames, which had roared fo loudly all over the house. They at length prevailed; or, to carry the metaphor one step farther, the fire having confumed all the fuel which the language affords, to wit, every reproachful term in it, at last went out of its own accord.

But though tranquility was reftored above ftairs, it was not fo below; where my landlady highly refenting the injury done to the beauty of her husband, by the flesh fpades of Mrs. Honour, called aloud for revenge and juftice. As to the poor man who had principally fuffered in the engagement, he was perfectly quiet. Perhaps the blood which he loft, might have cooled his anger; for the enemy had not only applied her nails to his cheeks, but likewife her fift to his nostrils, which lamented the blow with tears of blood in great abundance. To this we may add reflections on his miftake; but indeed nothing fo effectually filenced his refentment, as the manner in which he now difcovered his error; for as to the behaviour of Mrs. Honour, it had the more confirmed him in his opinion: but he was now affured by a perfon of great figure, and who was attended by a great equipage, that one of the ladies was a woman of fashion and his intimate acquaint

ance.

By the orders of this perfon, the landlord now afcended, and acquainted our fair travellers, that a great gentleman below defired to do them the honour

of

of waiting on them. Sophia turned pale, and trem bled at this meffage, though the reader will conclude it was too civil, notwithstanding the landlord's blunt der, to have come from her father; but fear hath the common fault of a justice of peace, and is apt to con clude haftily from every flight circumftance, without examining the evidence on both fides, de

To cafe the reader's curiofity, therefore, rather than his apprehenfions, we proceed to inform him, that an Trish peer had arrived very late that evening at the inn in his way to London. This nobleman having fallied from his fupper at the hurricane before commemorated, had feen the attendant of Mrs. Fitzpatrick, and upon a fhort enquiry, was informed, that her lady; with whom he was very particularly acquainted, was above. This information he had no fooner received, than he addreffed himself to the landlord, pacified him, and fent him up ftairs with compliments rather civiller than those which were delivered.

It may perhaps be wondered at, that the waiting woman herself was not the meffenger employed on this occafion; but we are forry to fay, the was not at prefent qualified for that, or indeed for any other office. The rum (for fo the landlord chofe to call the diftillation from malt) had bafely taken the advantage. of the fatigue which the poor woman had undergone, and had made terrible depredations on her noble faculties, at a time when they were very unable to resist the attack.

We shall not defcribe this tragical fcene too fully; but we thought ourselves obliged by that hiftoric integrity which we profefs, fhortly to hint a matter which we would otherwife have been glad to have fpared. Many hiftorians indeed, for want of this integrity, or of diligence, to fay no worfe, often leave the reader to find out thefe little circumftances in the dark, and sometimes to his great confufion and perplexity.

Sophia was very foon eafed of her caufelefs fright by the entry of the noble peer, who was not only an inti mate acquaintance of Mrs. Fitzpatrick, but in reality a very particular friend of that lady. To fay truth, it

was