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that ere! You see, von Jack Cox, a bro- | cess and I've jumped over a bamboo tother vaterman, vos lugged up afore the gether, a fashion similar to the English bench, for charging a gemman a hog for vay of jumping over the broomstick! taking him off to a steamer--and wherry sort o' way they has o' getting sweet upon right, too, for if a man's boat arn't his von another by jumping over sugar canes! castle, it's wherry odd, blow me! But, She vos a wherry fine 'oman-a capital Lord love you, I dares to say, as how you sort o' 'oman-she vos a sort o' blackWhy, no, my brown muddy-coloured 'oman! She had doesn't know who I am." a remarkable small nose-it vosn't a nose good fellow, I can't say I've that pleasure." Vy, Lord love your silly head, vy, I neither-she had two holes instead of a thought everybody know'd me! Vy, my nose, but vhich answered all the same name's Joe Hatch-I settles all disputes purposes; and just below them two holes, and fights on the water, from Greenwich vos another hole-only a large von--vhich to Battersea; some on 'em calls me the served for a mouth-it vos like an annual Boat Barrister, and others say as I'm the lease-reach'd from ear to ear! Vhen she River Chanceller! But that's all along o' laugh'd, her head vos above half off--it my being a chief abroad for so many held by a little at the back, like a backyyears!" "You a chief abroad!" "Aye, box. Then inside o' that ere mouth vos I a chief abroad; vy, Lord love you, I a tongue, and that tongue look'd for all married a princess. Look here (shewing the vorld like a toad looking out of a Then, her ears-you his forehead,) look at this." "Aye, I see, blacking-bottle. all over in a crackling, like a piece of should have seen her ears-they look'd pork!" "That's vhere I was tartoo'd: all just like two ha'pporths of dog's meat. prickled in vi' needles, and colour'd vi' She vos a sweet 'oman--a clever 'oman bilberry juice!" "You seem a strange too; she'd been a wherry great warrior— sort of character, and I should like to hear she'd killed sixty men in battle vi' her own Wherry vell, hands, and vore all their double teeth a little of your history." then you shall have the whole true and round her neck by vay of a necklace. particlier account as ve goes up the vater. That was pretty nearly all the clothes she Now, boy, lug in the boat there, vill you? wore; so her wardrobe wasn't werry exVe lived in a deal of harmony (Yes, yes.) Now then be seated, gentle-pensive.

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You must know that about fifteen too; ve killed our own hogs; ve chew'd years ago, I vos wreck'd on the Tonga all our own tabacca; and laid all our own Islands, aboard a vhaler; where I taught eggs-and sharp vork ve had of it too; the natives, poor ignorant indiwidivals, and then ve used to valk out together in the polite arts, so the King Kikeekuron- the hot veather--a pretty figure ve cut kikokoko, (for that vos his name,) took a too. I used to look along side o' her like great liking to me, and made me chief o' a pound o' long butter, a valking along six hatchets"-" I think you seem to be side o' five feet and a half o' black pud"No ding. But you see them ere pleasures throwing one o' them hatchets now." I arn't, your honour, leave me alone for couldn't last for ever, for the King's nevy, that ere. You see a chief o' six hatchets von Flibbetyflobbetybusky bango-for that in them ere parts, is similar to a duke in vos his name, he got gallows (jealous) o' these here. Vell, the King says to me, me; for he saw the signs o' the haccession von day, says he, for ve vos wherry fa- vos in me-a young piccaninny in the miliar, and larnt von another's lingo abit. shape of a Joe Hatch vos a coming. Now, 'Joe,' says he, 'vill you marry my darter, he didn't like the idea o' that-nor I the Princess Hookihokikokipoki?' 'Vy, didn't like the idea o' being grilled and your majesty,' says I, 'I'm perfectly vill- tomahawked for their breakfasts some ing, perwiding the young 'oman's agreea- morning, so I cut and run off by the first ble.' So, wi' that ere, he called vot they ship, and here I am-and here ve are at called a palaver, which is a similar sort o' Battersea-my fare, gemmen, amounts to thing to our parliament here; (and a half-a-crown." wherry black affair it is, by the bye,) they all met in a ring-such a lot o' black pudding-lipp'd looking covies; at first they couldn't agree-(don't fall out here, gemmen)-at last they did agree; so the prin

JOSH BILLINGS thinks his worst habit is the coat he bought at Poughkeepsie.

DR. JOHNSON'S PUDDING.

(From the Reminiscences of Henry Angelo,) Some years ago I made another excursion to Scotland, with the intention of completing my series of views, and went over the same ground described by the learned tourists, Dr. Johnson and Boswell. Being in the habit of taking very long walks on these occasions, and perceiving a storm threaten, I made the best of my way to a small building. I arrived in time at a neat little inn, and was received by a respectable-looking man and his wife, who did all in their power to make me comfortable. After eating some excellent fried mutton chops, and drinking a quart of ale, I asked the landlord to sit down, and partake of a bowl of whiskey punch. I found him, as the Scotch generally are, very intelligent, and full of anecdote, of which the following may serve as a specimen :

"Sir," said the landlord, "this inn was formerly kept by Andrew Macgregor, a relation of mine, and these hard-bottomed chairs (in which we are now sitting) were, years ago filled by the great tourists, Dr. Johnson and Boswell, travelling like the lion and jackal. Boswell generally preceded the doctor in search of food, and being much pleased with the look of the house, he followed his nose into the larder, where he saw a fine leg of mutton. He ordered it to be roasted with the utmost expedition, and gave particular orders for a nice pudding. "Now," says he, "make the best of all puddings." Elated with his good luck, he immediately went out in search of his friend, and saw the giant of learning slowly advancing on a pony. "My dear sir," said Boswell, out of breath with joy, "good news! I have just bespoke, at a comfortable clean inn here, a delicious leg of mutton; it is now getting ready, and I flatter myself we shall make an excellent meal." Johnson looked pleased-" And, I hope," said he, "you have bespoke a pudding." "Sir, you will have your favourite pudding," replied the other.

Johnson got off his pony, and the poor animal, relieved from the giant, smelt its way into the stable. Boswell ushered the doctor into the house, and left him to prepare for his delicious treat. Johnson,

feeling his coat rather damp, from the mist of the mountains, went into the kitchen and threw his upper garment on a chair before the fire: he sat on the hob, near a little boy who was very busy attending the meat. Johnson occasionally peeped from behind his seat, while the boy kept basting the mutton. Johnson did not like the appearance of his head; when he shifted the basting ladle from one hand, the other hand was never idle, and the doctor thought at the same time he saw something fall on the meat; upon which he determined to eat no mutton on that day. The dinner announced, Boswell exclaimed, "My dear doctor, here comes the mutton; what a picture! done to a turn, and looks so beautifully brown!" The doctor tittered. After a short pause, Boswell said

"I suppose, sir, I am to carve as usual; what part shall I help you to?"

"My dear Bozzy, I did not like to tell you before, but I am determined to abstain from meat to-day."

"Oh, dear! this is a great disappointment," said Bozzy.

"Say no more, I shall inake myself ample amends with the pudding.”

Boswell commenced the attack, and made a first cut at the mutton. "How the gravy runs; what fine flavoured fatso nice and brown too. Oh, sir, you would have relished this prime piece of mutton."

The meat being removed, in came the long-wished-for pudding. The doctor looked joyous, fell eagerly to, and in a few minutes nearly finished all the pudding. The table was cleared, and Boswell said-" Doctor, while I was eating the mutton, you seemed frequently inclined to laugh; pray tell me what tickled your fancy?"

The doctor then literally told him all that had passed at the kitchen fire, about the boy and the basting. Boswell turned as pale as a parsnip, and, sick of himself and the company, darted out of the room. Somewhat relieved, on returning, he insisted on seeing the dirty little rascally boy, whom he severely reprimanded before Johnson. The poor boy cried: the doctor laughed.

"You little, filthy, snivelling rascal," said Boswell, "when you basted the meat, why did you not put on the cap I saw you in this morning?"

"I couldn't sir," said the boy.

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No, why couldn't you?" said Boswell. "Because my mammy took it from me to boil the pudding in!

The doctor gathered up his herculean frame, stood erect, touched the ceiling with his wig, stared, or squinted,-indeed, looked any way but the right way. At last, with mouth wide open (none of the smallest) and stomach heaving, he, with some difficulty, recovered his breath, and, looking at Boswell with dignified contempt, he roared out, with the lungs of a stentor, "Mr. Boswell, sir, leave off laughing; and, under the pain of my eternal displeasure, never utter a single syllable of this abominable adventure to any soul living, while you breathe."

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I go a cheaper way to work than that."

A cheaper?"

"Why, ah-I always steals mine ready made."

And on a jack-ass' back such bargains A VISIT TO THE ASYLUM FOR AGED

brought 'em ;

All siz'd and sorted town-made brooms, For sweeping stables, gardens, hearths,

or rooms,

So cheap! as quite astonish'd all who bought 'em!

Thus, for a while, he drove a roaring trade, And wisely thought a pretty purse to have made,

When on a dismal day, at every door, Where oft he'd sold his dog-cheap goods before,

With freezing looks, his customers all told him,

Another broom-monger they'd found, That travell'd far and wide the country round,

And in all sorts and sizes, under-sold him. Scratching his wig he left 'em, musing deep, With knitted brows-up to his ears in thought,

To guess, where in the deuce could brooms

be bought,

That any mortal man could sell so cheap. When lo as through the streets he slowly

passes,

A voice as clear as raven's, owl's, or ass's, And just as musical, rung in his ears, like thunder,

(Half-splitting his thick head, and wig cramm'd full of wonder,)

AND DECAYED PUNSTERS.

[OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, M. D., an American physician and author, was born at Cambridge, Mass., Aug.

29, 1809. In 1829 he graduated at Harvard College

and entered upon the study of law, but soon adopted He studied in

his father's profession-medicine. Europe, graduated as doctor of medicine in 1836, and

two years after was appointed professor of anatomy and physiology in Dartmouth College; and in 1847 was transferred to the same chair at Harvard, the medical department of which is at Boston, where he has since

resided. Dr. Holmes is not only a man of science, but

a humorous and satirical poet of much ability. Several of his lyrics also are among the most exquisite produc

ed in America. Most of his poems have been delivered

before College literary societies, as Poetry, a metrical

Essay; Terpsichore; Urania; and Astraea. In 1875 he

contributed his Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, a connected series of prose essays, to the Atlantic Monthly, which was followed by The Professor at the Breakfast

Table, and the Poet of the Breakfast Table (1872). A remarkable work is the singular romance, Elsie Venner (1861). Published by Houghton, Mifflin & Co., Boston.

Having just returned from a visit to this admirable Institution in company with a friend who is one of the Directors, we propose giving a short account of what we saw and heard. The great success of the Asylum for Idiots and Feeble-minded Youth, several of the scholars from which

A VISIT TO THE ASYLUM FOR AGED AND DECAYED PUNSTERS.

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The town has entered a complaint
against the Asylum as a gambling estab-
lishment," he said to my friend, the Di-
"What do you mean?" said my
rector.

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friend.

have reached considerable distinction, one | than a feeble little gentleman, with a re-
of them being connected with a leading markably bright eye, came up to us, look-
daily paper in this city, and others having ing very seriously, as if something had
served in the State and National legisla- happened.
tures, was the motive which led to the
foundation of this excellent charity. Our
late distinguished townsman, Noah Dow,
Esquire, as is well known, bequeathed a
Why, they complain that there's a lot
large portion of his fortune to this estab-
lishment,- being thereto moved," as his
"by the desire of N. o' rye on the premises," he answered,
will expressed it,
Dowing some publick Institution for the pointing to a field of that grain,-and
benefit of Mankind." Being consulted hobbled away, his shoulders shaking with
as to the rules of the institution and the laughter, as he went.
selection of a superintendent, he replied,
that "all boards must construct their own
platforms of operation. Let them select
anyhow and he should be pleased." N.
E. Howe, Esq., was chosen in compliance
with this delicate suggestion.

men-Punsters."

The charter provides for the support of "One hundred aged and decayed GentleOn inquiry if there was no provision for females, my friend called my attention to this remarkable psychological fact, namely: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FEMALE PUNSTER.

This remark struck me forcibly, and on reflection I found that I never knew nor heard of one, though I have once or twice heard a woman make a single detached pun, as I have known a hen to crow.

On entering the main building, we saw
the Rules and Regulations for the Asylum
conspicuously posted up. I made a few
extracts which may be interesting.

SECT. I. OF VERBAL EXERCISES.
5. Each Inmate shall be permitted to
make Puns freely from eight in the morn-
vice in the Chapel and Grace before
ing until ten at night, except during Ser-
Meals.

6. At ten o'clock the gas will be turned off, and no further Puns, Conundrums, or other play on words, will be allowed to be uttered, or to be uttered aloud.

9. Inmates who have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns shall be permitted to repeat such as may be selected for them by the Chaplain out of the work of Mr. Joseph Miller.

On arriving at the south gate of the Asylum grounds, I was about to ring, but 10. Violent and unmanageable Punmy friend held my arm and begged me to sters, who interrupt others when engaged rap with my stick, which I did. An old man with a very comical face presently in conversation, with Puns or attempts at opened the gate and put out his head. "So you prefer Cune to A bell, do you?" the same, shall be deprived of their Josolitary confinement. he said, and began chuckling and cough-seph Millers, and, if necessary, placed in ing at a great rate.

My friend winked at me.

"You're here still, Old Joe, I see," he said to the old man.

"Yes, yes, and it's very odd, considering how often I've bolted nights."

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He then threw open the double gates
for us to ride through.
"Now," said the old man, as he pulled
you've had a long
the gates after us,
journey."
"Why, how is that, Old Joe?" said my
friend.

"Don't you see?" he answered; "there's
the East hinges on one side of the gate,
and there's the West hinges on t' other
side.-haw! haw! haw!"

We had no sooner got into the yard

SECT. III. OF DEPORTMENT AT MEALS.

4. No Inmate shall make any Pun, or has been asked and the company are deattempt at the same, until the Blessing cently seated.

7. Certain Puns having been placed on the Index Expurgatorius of the Institution, no Inmate shall be allowed to utter them, on pain of being debarred the perusal of Punch and Vanity Fair, and, if repeated, deprived of his Joseph Miller. Among these are the following:Allusions to Attic salt, when asked to pass the salt-cellar.

Remarks on the Inmates being mustered, etc., etc.

Associating baked beans with the benefactors of the Institution.

Saying that beef-eating is befitting, etc.,

etc.

The following are also prohibited, excepting to such Inmates as may have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns of their own:

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your own hair or a wig;" ". "it will be long enough," etc., etc.; little of its age," etc., etc.;-also, playing upon the following words: hospital; mayor; pun; pitied; bread; sauce, etc., etc., etc. See INDEX EXPURGATORIUS, printed for use of Inmates.

The subjoined Conundrum is not allowed: Why is Hasty Pudding like the Prince? Because it comes attended by its sweet;-nor this variation to it, to wit: Because the 'lasses runs after it.

The Superintendent, who went round with us, had been a noted punster in his time, and well known in the business world, but lost his customers by making too free with their names,-as in the famous story he set afloat in '29 of four Jerries attaching to the names of a noted Judge, an eminent Lawyer, the Secretary of the Board of Foreign Missions, and the well-known Landlord at Springfield. One of the four Jerries, he added, was of gigantic magnitude. The play on words was brought out by an accidental remark of Solomons, the well-known Banker. "Capital Punishment!" the Jew was overheard saying, with reference to the guilty parties. He was understood as saying, A capital pun is meant, which led to an investigation and the relief of the greatly excited public mind.

The Superintendent showed some of his old tendencies, as he went round with us. "Do you know"-he broke out all at once "why they don't take steppes in Tar་ tary for establishing Insane Hospitals?” We both confessed ignorance.

"Because there are nomad people to be found there," he said, with a dignified smile.

He proceeded to introduce us to different Inmates. The first was a middle-aged. scholarly man, who was seated at a table with a Webster's Dictionary and a sheet

of paper before him.

Well, what luck to-day, Mr. Mowzer?" "Three or four only," said Mr. Mowzer. "Will you hear 'em now,-now I'm here?" We all nodded.

"Don't you see Webster ers in the words center and theater?

"If he spells leather lether, and feather fether, isn't there danger that he'll give us a bad spell of weather?

"Besides, Webster is a resurrectionist; he does not allow u to rest quietly in the mould.

"And again, because Mr. Worcester inserts an illustration in his text, is that any reason why Mr. Webster's publishers should hitch one on in their appendix? It's what I call a Connect-a-cut trick.

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Why is his way of spelling like the floor of an oven? Because it is, under bread."

"Mowzer!" said the Superintendent, "that word is on the Index!"

"I forgot," said Mr. Mowzer; "please don't deprive me of Vanity Fair, this one time, Sir.

"These are all, this morning. Good day, Gentlemen." Then to the Superintendent,-"Add you, Sir!”

The next Inmate was a semi-idiotic looking old man. He had a heap of blockletters before him, and, as we came up, he pointed, without saying a word, to the arrangements he had made with them on the table. They were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing the letters of the words employed without addition or subtraction. Here are a few of them :

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TIMES
POST
TRIBUNE
WORLD

ADVERTISER

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IS TRUE! READ! ALL O' TH' PAY. ALLOPATHY HOMEOPATHY. O, THE—! O! O, MY! PAH! The mention of several New York papers led to two or three questions. Thus: Whether the Editor of the Tribune was H. G. really? If the complexion of his politics were not accounted for by his be ing an eager person himself? Whether Wendell Fillips were not a reduced copy of John Knocks? Whether a New York Feuilletoniste is not the same thing as a Fellow down East?

At this time a plausible-looking, baldheaded man joined us, evidently waiting to take a part in the conversation.

"Good morning, Mr. Riggles," said the Superintendent. "Anything fresh this morning? Any Conundrum?"

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